Eye Contact

Not perhaps normal as a topic, but something unique to me.

In the States you’re expected to be very direct when speaking to people. Blunt, direct, look them in the eyes. Be sharp and strong-willed, determined and show no fear. Be bold and be the one in control. Really, eye-contact is aggression in interaction between people in the workplace, in school, in social interactions. Of course, that is only my opinion, and I suppose, it would take a bit of explanation into my history and family relationship growing up to fully understand why I say that. I’m sure most people reading this are protesting my saying that as a blanket statement of all interactions between people. Because I mean my statement for all interactions, not just some.

But that is my experience and my personal opinion.

An Interesting Little Thought

That’s perhaps only interesting for me. (But then again, that’s why I write this whole blog, so screw it ) I’m taking a break from some homework that I should be doing. I’m overwhelmed. 2 majors is beyond crazy, as are 2 major research papers in 1 term I might add. However, I suppose I’ve always been a bit crazy in terms of studying, so that’s that.

However, I realized something, an hour ago and it’s been stuck in my head, and it won’t go away, so I’m going to write it down now, and hope that gets me back on track. Because, clearly my personality type (or more than likely my mental disorder — if I’m honest with myself here) doesn’t let me focus on things once something has caught my attention. So, I’m going to write it, and then get back to the grindstone of college life.

So, in my study of paganism, I’ve gotten onto the trail of Slavic deities. Which is both fascinating and by turns immensely frustrating. Because I love learning about them, and learning about things from my family’s heritage, but on the other hand, there’s comparatively little research in languages I can read that’s reliable. Of course this further fuels my desire that I will be learning Russian as my next language, then probably Czech. But that’s a ramble. In any case, just knowing English, I am very cautious, because there’s a lot of Quatsch out there, just like there is for other paths.

But, I do know, from my learning, that one Slavic deity is known for being related to magic. Which of course sticks in my head, because well, it’s interesting. And, I suppose, most people tend to, when I explain what I practice, the first word they come up with is “magic”. So, fun connection for me. It kind of makes me smile. Not that I’m thinking I’m going to go out and dedicate myself to a god yet, I’m not near secure enough in my knowledge to do that, and I don’t really feel mentally/emotionally ready enough for that right now. But, I figure, since I keep getting this kind of connection popping up in my “real life” (i.e. offline), perhaps there’s something to this. I need to do more research obviously, and I’m still trying to sort out the difference from obvious later Christian-mythos overlays that paint this god as the devil, but it’s fun research. I enjoy doing the research after all.

It’s just something that’s been kind of “bothering” me in real life lately. Bothering isn’t the right word of course, just kind of prodding at me, kind of like ‘hey, pay attention’, or just, do some research kind of bothering. Not nuisance bothering at all. And it’s been just rather amusing that lately a few friends, when asked about my attempts at my knot-magic bracelets (I’ll have to post photos next week when my camera has batteries again), were calling it “magic” without my even using any words to bring up the connotation. Then of course, without my using the word witch at all, just explaining that I’m a pagan, and that I’m not pagan, and that I do spells on occasion, I’m getting the word “magic” thrown around. It used to be “witchcraft” all the time. Lately it’s magic. Fun change.

So I dunno. Might just be coincidence. And if it is, oh well. It’ll prove a fun little diversion. If not, well then maybe I’m getting some little sign that I need to wake up and pay attention.

On the Notion of Being “God Bothered”

So, I suppose I never thought I’d even consider this. I suppose it’s a particularly modern-day kind of issue anyway. After all, I think that “god bothered” is a fairly modern notion in paganism.

Or rather, I think this whole situation stems from a highly Christian view of the world. (Fair note – I’ll speak about Christian-perspective in Western culture, specifically in the United States, as that is where I live, and it’s what I know best of all. I am not comfortable enough to speak about other perspectives on religion/culture, as I do not want to over-generalize anything too much. As it is, speaking as a woman raised outside of a “Christian” society, but still within the broader framework, I sometimes will make errors in my assessments of Christianity. If I do so, please let me know about that so I can correct any misunderstandings I have.)

See, the Christian God listens, directly interferes (or as most see it, acts) in people’s lives. He is directly involved in his worshiper’s lives. In Western culture, especially American, people expect that their gods will answer their requests/prayers/rituals and will be involved in a recognizable way. The Christian God is highly entwined in everything that Christians do. If he doesn’t answer in some way, it’s a sign of something not going as planned, something wrong. Or, that you’ve asked for something you are not meant to receive. No matter what, God somehow communicates with his worshipers. So I think most pagans, when they leave Christianity, they carry that notion with them. Even pagans like me, who were never raised Christian, absorb some of that world-view just from constant exposure. Still, it must be stronger in those raised in a religion that teaches that one must have a very personal relationship with God to have salvation and fulfillment from the divine. But, it gets carried over into paganism.

Momentary Chaos

Or, why I’m kinda slow on posting. I’d planned on doing more blog posts, I had.

However, my life is in pretty much total upheaval right now. Everything is kind of going crazy…just totally imploding. I don’t really think I can post most of it, I’m not comfortable enough and I’m still shaky. After all, I pretty much know I’ll be doing a form of couch-surfing this summer. Good thing – only 4 weeks of summer vacation for me with the whole situation of being in Germany for this last year. So at least it’s only 4 weeks and not any longer. But it’s still a bit disconcerting.

Long story very short – I’m in the middle of total chaos in my life. And chaos doesn’t really suit me. I like predictability and calmness. I suppose that’s not unusual. After all, I think most people prefer things to remain simple and unconfused. Still though, chaos tends to come in spurts for me. And when it does…well things explode (figuratively). And this time I think I might just have actually done some mental damage to myself. Not really a bad thing, since in the long run I know this will make me stronger. But in the short term it’s painful and it’s going to cause me far more mental anguish than any good. It’s just a mess really, and I definitely did this to myself.

That’s just the way things seem to go for me. I tend to break things to make them better (again, figuratively speaking here).

Specificity

I think someone is messing with me. Not a person, and not messing with me in the sense of “oh, let’s cause trouble and problems” kind of way either. I’m more leaning towards some deity is trying to get my attention and I’ve just been too dense to see it. Because this is genuinely weird. And me being dense is no surprise, so it doesn’t surprise me if this is how they’ve decided to get my attention.

Stuff will disappear and reappear, moved around. Not just in the way of “oh, I just misplaced that.” More in the way of, I was looking for my pen, checked everywhere, even in my drawer, and then, not 5 minutes later, it shows up in my drawer when I gave up looking for it and went to just use the stupid pencil instead (I hate pencils for the record). In the exact spot it should have been to begin with, but wasn’t. And then, just papers out of order. Not major, just, 1 or 2 out of place, which I know isn’t me. I’m pretty fastidious about making sure my papers are all in order. And I know they’re in order when I leave class, but when I go to review them, nope, 1 or 2 are moved into the wrong section.

Then there’s just stuff not quite working. I couldn’t get the microwave to work (stupid really), even though it’s super easy. So I twist the timer dial to start it, and instead of the time running down from say 2 minutes to 0, it goes up from 2 minutes to 4. Lucky I pay attention, or I would have burned my food. Warmed up tea in the microwave not 2 minutes after this, and it was working fine, 30 seconds to 0, no problem. But this time I sat and watched it to make sure. Or, my computer inexplicably freezing up randomly. I haven’t lost anything. It’ll just freeze for like 15 seconds, and then be fine. I’ve checked for virus’, problems, etc – there’s nothing. My computer is pretty much perfect and it’s never done this before. All really dumb, super mundane stuff, I know. And I’ve checked for any normal explanation. But…short of me going crazy (which I’m going to have to say I’m not) none of this stuff makes much sense.

But then again…I’ve also begun to feel like there’s something almost watching me. Not in a creepy way, or it doesn’t seem creepy. Which it probably should. I know not to just think “oh, seems like something’s watching me, no biggy”, especially after the neighborhood I grew up in. But somehow this doesn’t scare me. It’s not really comforting either. It’s a bit like an itch, a bit annoying, but not dangerous or anything. And it’s even when I’m alone in my room with blinds shut, so I know no one is watching me, or in the room, but I still have that little twinge in my mind, telling me that something is there.

It’s just all frustrating. Because it’s minor stuff, and if I complain about it to my friends they’re just “well – you’re probably just imagining it.” Which, perhaps I am. I would tend to say I’m not though. I’m pretty sure that looking for a pen, it not being in the place I always set it, and then 5 minutes later, when I’ve basically just told the world “Screw this, I’ll just use the damned pencil”, and then *poof*, it’s in it’s spot. To me that’s more than me just not noticing where the pen was.

So now I need to look into specifics. See, basic mythology research is good. I like it. However, basic research into pantheons is probably not going to help me. I need to look into particular deities. Because my serious suspicion, and the thought that keeps coming to mind, is that someone is trying to get me to talk to them/acknowledge them, and I think this is a way of telling me that they’re tired of waiting for me to open up and figure it out without help. This is ridiculous too. Because 2 names keep popping into my head about this, and neither one is part of a pantheon I ever considered working with. So I’m looking into gods and goddess’ with a tendency for mischief or trouble-causing or for doing little things that are just…almost tricks I guess is how I could describe it, to gain attention. Which then veers into UPG, which I’m not experienced with at all. So this is going to be an adventure of sorts.

Because these 2 deities…well I have nothing to do with either, or their pantheons. But the names keep popping up. So I’m not sure. Because I doubt it’s both of them. So I’m debating as to whether it’s just that I know basics of these 2 pantheons, so the names are “familiar” and that’s why they keep coming into my mind. Or if I’m actually seriously supposed to look at both of them and see if either one seems to fit with all of this. It’s all a ridiculous little conundrum. I’m not so sure I want mischief right now. But then again, if someone is really wanting to contact me, there’s got to be a reason for it. I’m sure there’s probably some stuff out there for me to read, so I’m doing internet searches. Sadly all my mythology books are at home, 7.000 miles away, so I’ll have to do without those. Because I can’t really ask my mom to go reading through them for me. She’d have no clue what to look for, plus, I have a feeling that my answer might not be in my books.

Ugh. This is just ridiculous though. So specificity is the new game I suppose. Because something is seriously bothering me, and it clearly wants attention.

No Guilt

Though I probably should feel some. I just don’t. Not sure if I’m okay with that or not. I’m leaning towards being okay with not having any guilt, though.

Ah, and just a note – this is a massive rant. This is the first time in years I’ve been able to just say this all, well write it out in this case, but still. So it’s a lot. I’m more posting this because it’s cathartic and it’s actually released a huge amount of stress and I’m feeling far happier than I have in years. I feel like I’ve actually got the energy and spirit to do research now, to keep learning, even if I don’t always have the most time to do so. I don’t expect anyone to actually read this. In fact, I rather suspect that even if most people start reading, they’ll quit fairly quickly. I’m fine with that, because this is absolutely personal, and I’m sure that it’s not really relatable to probably 95%+ of the population out there. In any case – I feel better and writing this helped. So, if you really want, do read. If not, then feel free to skip. It isn’t much about my practice at all. This is purely daily life.

College and the Trials of Being Pagan

I’m in college, pretty obvious, and I’m sure I’ve stated it a few times. A bit more information on that – because this is the whole point of today’s blog post.

I go to a private university – it’s wonderful. My professors are great, the classes are challenging, fun and open. However, one small problem. It’s a Lutheran university. Lutheranism is not the problem. The problem is that it’s a Christian school. And easily over 75% of the student body are Christians of one denomination or another. I’d bet that less than 10% of the students are of other religions, leaving roughly 15% as agnostic or atheist. That’s not hard fact, just my own personal observations of the religious makeup of the school. Given that the vast majority of the school is Christian – I’ve run into a few small problems from other students. I talked a bit about that in one of my first posts, the issue of religion in my Christian Traditions class I had to take, and the freakout that a few kids had in my not being Christian. But normally it is no problem.

That’s most likely because I live at home. I live about 20 miles from campus, drive to and from every day. I did that both my freshman and sophomore years. This year, junior year, I am in Germany. I’m going back for my senior year, obviously. I live with my grandma, who’s gracious enough to let me live with her, do work around the house, cat-sit, and just generally help out, as long as my grades are good and I’m full-time enrolled, until I graduate next May. My grandma smokes though, like a chimney. I do not exaggerate either, the walls of her garage, where she smokes, are yellow – side effect of living in a house for 15+ years and always using the same room as the smoking room. However, the whole house reeks of smoke, and I can’t handle it anymore. I’ve got a few minor health issues, but after living in a smoke-free building for 11 straight months, there’s no way I can physically handle living with her anymore. I can deal with the say 4 weeks before school starts again, but I applied to move into my school’s apartment-dorm complex. It’s a dorm building, or residence hall I guess, but you live like an apartment – with a kitchen, so I don’t have to get a meal plan. Being a vegetarian, that’s wonderful for me. See, my school has roughly 3-4 vegetarian/vegan options for breakfast, 5 for lunch and 4 for dinner. Now, that’s horridly boring. I’ve watched the menu lists for 2 years, cause I will on rare occasions buy food at school, if I forgot to make my own lunch, or if I want to eat with friends. Exact same offerings the last 3 years straight. So that’s boring. Plus – I love cooking. I don’t think I could give it up after basically living in an apartment here in Germany for a year.

But, I applied to get a place there. I’m on a waiting list, but it’s 80% likely I’ll get into an apartment. I’m most likely going to end up in one of the 4-bedroom apartment options, which is not too bad. At the moment I have 14 Mitbewohner, so 3 others will be a piece of cake actually. However, I also know that I am likely to be the only non-Christian in my suite. That doesn’t bother me much, since I’m the only pagan or witch in my whole family or my friends in real-life. It’s not something I generally worry about. I don’t crow my beliefs from the rooftop, but I also don’t hide them. If someone asks, I’m honest, so I don’t see a problem usually. I did talk with my mom about it. She still thinks I’m going through a phase, which is another problem for another day. I mentioned that I wanted to email my school’s housing authority and ask about my rights for practice. Meaning, what I am allowed to have in my room and what is not allowed by university policy. See, Christians are allowed to practice, so I wanted to know what the rules were, so that I don’t unintentionally break any of them in my practice. My mom’s response  – “Don’t cause problems”.

Yeah, great advice. See, my parents raised me to stand up for myself. I’m not going to hide my beliefs just because I might be the only one. I wasn’t intending (and I never did have any intention of doing this) to decorate the common areas – kitchen, living, bathrooms – with pagan or witch-themed things. No. I was planning on setting up a small altar in my room, and adapting my practice to fit what my school’s housing contract allows. See – candles are forbidden as are incense, so I can’t use those, and I would make sure I didn’t have those in my room, no problem. I don’t see the point in hiding and not practicing for a full year, just because I’m living with others. And usually I’d keep my door shut, that’s just the way I am. But if my roommates were hanging out in my room, or if I had friends hanging out they’d happen to see it. Or probably see at least something. And I know it would raise questions. Not that they’d panic, just curious, because it is not going to be a cross on my wall or anything. So I wanted to know what my university’s policies were. Just in case there was a problem, I would know all the rules. Plus – if there was a problem because of my beliefs, well then that’s something major to address to the housing authority on campus.

But my mom tells me “Don’t cause problems. Just leave it alone while you’re on campus.” And I think that’s total B.S. Why should I have to hide my practice and deny who I am for a year? Christians can hang their crosses, or their God-themed posters and plaques without fear. Hell, I’d even be fine with a pretty angel hanging in the kitchen, it wouldn’t bother me. I would ask all God-themed posters to be kept to rooms, but that’s just a bit of common courtesy. I wouldn’t even be asking to put my things out in the common areas. I just wanted to know what the rules are, so I can practice in peace without breaking any of the points to the contract I sign when I move in. And telling me that I should just “let it go” while I’m on campus? That infuriates me and actually upsets me quite a bit.

So I have been debating about emailing my housing authority. The school is open enough. There are services offered every Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings at 10.30, not required, plus the Sunday service. They do holiday services special as well. We aren’t required to attend any of these. My professors have all been extremely open about religious belief. It’s not like anyone cares if you’re Lutheran or not, besides a few students. So I just don’t know. I feel like hiding my beliefs is an insult and me outright lying. But then, I also know very well what could happen if I even set up a simple altar and one of my roommates has a real issue with it. I’m likely to have stuff stolen, trashed, destroyed, whatever – if I am unlucky enough to get one of the minority (very small at that) that would be so intolerant of things in my own personal room. It’s a conundrum. Because I shouldn’t even have to worry about this. I should be able to just email my housing authority, ask them my questions, and then go about it without breaking the rules. It should be that easy. But it isn’t. Because now I have my mom’s voice in my head, pointing out that I will only be asking for trouble that [I] don’t need. Which is just nonsense, but it’s there nonetheless.

My school has no organizations for pagans. We’ve got multiple Christian organizations, one for Buddhists I believe (or it was getting started up when I left, I can’t remember if it’s fully established yet or not), and that’s it for religious organizations. It’s insane how many Christian ones there are. We’ve got one for Lutherans, another for Protestants, I think one for Catholics, one for Christian men in sports, other specified things like that. So that’s all great. But then there’s the fact that I know I’m one of the very few pagans on campus, and I can’t even turn to an organization for support, or for anyone who’s dealt with something similar at my school to know what to do. I know that they usually say, just email the authority and talk it over with them. But, usually that works best when the school has a history of dealing with things like this. I don’t think my university does.

So I’m in a bind. I want to practice, and I know I will, but I just can’t bring myself to send off that email asking about what my rights are while I’m living on campus. Because I still have my mom’s voice chanting that stupid phrase, telling me that I’m just going to make life difficult for myself when I don’t need it.

Respect: What it Means

So there’s something I’ve noted recently. I’m a bit steamed as I write this, so please pardon any upset that I have. And I have a sneaking suspicion this will turn into quite the monster of a ranted post, so I apologize in advance.

This is something that means a lot to me for several reasons. I think it best to start with the situation that’s arisen and why I’m even writing this semi-ranting entry to begin with. I’m going to be blunt, and so I do expect I might rub some people the wrong way. But in a situation like this, with a situation like this, I think being blunt and honest is more important than writing eloquently to avoid upsetting anyone.

I’m part of several different pagan forums, Facebook groups, and I follow blogs, tumblrs and visit websites quite frequently. I’m not always the most active poster in a group, I tend to lurk more than I talk. I like to see/hear others arguments and learn how people think. Not to mention – I’m always the type to think long and hard before I post up anything personal. I think it’s a long-held belief on my part that I’m going to say something wrong if it isn’t well thought out and intentioned. Well, count this post as another in today’s trend of me posting my thoughts without my usual drawn-out thought process.

See, today I’ve noted on several of the sites I follow/visit a disturbing trend:

Disrespect.