Functionalism?

Apparently I’m a “functionalist”. And by that, my professor meant that I hold to structural functionalism (yes, I am using Wikipedia as a source, it works for quick reference), a type of system where things in society all hold within a system that has to have each part in its place, functioning, or it falls apart. It is a “macro-analysis” of society, looking at things like organs, to the whole of society. My professor doesn’t think this a bad thing at all, he actually quite enjoys it, because I’m the only student in my “Capstone” class (this is what my university calls our degree class, our final paper class, that basically gives us our degree) who thinks this way. I was also the only student in my Research Methods class who thought this way too. So I know that I’m not like most people.

But, perhaps a good example is a better way to help illustrate how this all came up in class.

The focus of Capstone in European History (my focus), is, due to our professor, early modern Europe. So we were discussing pilgrimages in the late Middle Ages to Jerusalem, and how pilgrimages sharply dropped off in number in the early modern period in Europe. The rest of the class just was talking about how great it would have been to be part of the pilgrimages, to go on the journeys, to be a part of the journeys, or to be part of the society. I had to ask, “Why?” I mean, why go? After all, one was very likely to be mugged, robbed, murdered or just flat out die on the road there or back. So why go all the way to Jerusalem? I could potentially see going to one of the holy relic sites in Europe, closer to one’s home village, but why go all the way to Jerusalem from say France? I didn’t see why someone in say the early 16th Century wouldn’t just disappear from their village for 10 months or so, a year, whatever, and then reappear, and just say that they had gone all the way to Jerusalem. No one would really be able to tell that they hadn’t gone, so who would contradict them? Of course, everyone else just said that no one would dare do that. I just didn’t see why it wasn’t even an option. After all, functionally, they could easily do it, without any trouble. It’s not like it was impossible for anyone to lie about where they went once they left their village. I mean, travelers lied about where they went at times, or embellished their stories. So why wouldn’t pilgrims do the same thing?

My professor just thinks it amusing, because my mind is not like the rest of the kids. I really don’t think like the rest of the students that I know.

Constantly during classes I will be asking questions about “why”. Why things have to be a certain way. Or why no one questions things. Why an order exists. It’s just, I suppose, I’m always curious how things get organized and ordered, because I don’t understand how these kinds of orders/organizations get implemented. I never have. So I constantly want to know the why behind these kinds of things.

So yes, I want to know the structural function of everything. I want to know how it fits with everything around it. How it fits with the social constructs, how it fits society around it. I’m always curious how society fits together, the different parts organized in the ways they are. It’s all things I’m fascinated with. It’s partially why I always research, and why I constantly take history courses and ask all the questions I do. The functions are the interesting things I want to know, the things that in cases of religious situations, most students don’t think to ask. After all, in terms of Europe, the religious situations are Christian-based, so most people are basically familiar with a lot of it. So they don’t have to. I wasn’t raised Christian though, and so I don’t know a lot of these things, so I’m intensely curious and I have to ask the questions, because I don’t have the background raising in a church to even begin to understand what the function and purpose of church and religious traditions and actions are.

I had to laugh when my professor called me a functionalist. He’s right, though he really has no clue exactly how right he is. He had to tell me he meant no offense to me at all. It doesn’t offend me, not from what I understand of it. I mean, what is there to offend me, if I understand well that I am trying to understand the function of parts of the whole towards making the whole? I think then, there isn’t anything to offend me. I’ve learned that being told the truth isn’t really offensive in this case. It actually was kind of amusing to hear it, especially when it contrasts so wildly with the rest of my classmates.

Discussing actions in the early modern period/late Middle Ages, especially religious actions, from my point of view, and trying to put them functionally in their place, it just doesn’t quite mesh with my particular world view. Which, at least, with figuring out exactly how my mind is working, and with how the people in those times would have seen the world…now I can understand how they felt and acted. So I feel better able to understand their motivations and actions. That’s learning about the time, which is the point of my class. I got to learn about myself and people 500-600 years ago, that’s the best part of learning about myself.

So, I’m a functionalist. I’ll have to thank my professor for this knowledge sometime.

Alcohol

I’m slightly drunk. It’s a first for me. And I’ll chalk it up to the bartender thinking me and my friend are cute, and probably hoping for a good tip. Because this restaurant’s bar never makes their drinks this strong. They are always severely watered down on the alcohol front for drinks. We went because it was “happy hour” and we were getting cheaper drinks. And I only drank 2. Granted, I drink pretty vodka-heavy drinks, and in under 1.5 hours, that’s pretty bad, but add in the drinks being alcohol-heavy, and that makes me drunk. Plus, I didn’t eat a very good dinner. Snack food at 3pm does not a real dinner make, nor does some bread sticks qualify as real dinner either.

But, it did get me thinking just now. I realize, for the first time ever (I’ve never been drunk in my life), why people might drink as part of life. I mean…being a bit inhibition-less is nice. It’s freeing. It kind of opens the mind to new possibilities and makes me feel a bit happier to try new things, and think about new things. And it makes me feel a bit calmer, less worried and stressed out. That’s a huge deal for me, because usually I’m thinking of 20 things at once.

So, I’m going to consider using alcohol (1 drink methinks) as part of ritual in my future practice. Not getting drunk. But, I get the feeling that an occasional drink for ritual, or honoring the gods, or perhaps ancestors, if I ever choose to make that part of my practice, is a good idea.

I will of course revisit this idea when I’m sober (say tomorrow afternoon/evening) and evaluate. But, I think it’s a good idea. After all, alcohol is part of some religious practices, so it’s not without precedence for me to consider this.

Relationships

So I stink at imaginative titles. That’s just something I’m no good at. This is really just a confusing situation for me.

I dated a guy during high school, we’re still very good friends. Or rather, more accurately, we dated 3 different times, but that’s just a detail. Still, we’re excellent friends nowadays, which I’m grateful for. We’ve got enough similar interests to have excellent conversations and we know each other well enough to know what few topics just aren’t worth the trouble that they might cause, unless we really want a good debate. There isn’t really anything that is totally off-limits with us. We’ve also got totally different ideas of our personal interests when it comes to academics, which is excellent. Both of us are entirely too competitive when it happens to be our particular area of interest. So the different interests there are also great. We can have fun talking and yet also not get too angry with competition. He’s been one of my best friends since our sophomore year of high school, and he’s always helped me out when I needed it.

Not that things were perfect, clearly not. And we’ve had our problems, but at the very least, we’ve been good friends. I know I can always ask him for help, and he’d help me if he could. I would do almost anything to help him out if he asked me. He’s one of my best friends after all. And that’s all it should be. We broke up the last time 4 years ago. I still liked him when we broke up, but I thought I was over it finally. I thought I had finally (in Germany of course) gotten completely over him. We should be friends at this point and not even think of anything more.

Because last year before I left for Germany he flat told me that he would never date me again. I understood. After all, I seriously screwed up our relationship. There isn’t anyone else to blame but me. It was my fault that we ended up breaking up. It’s not like I could fault him for telling me that we would only ever be friends. That’s the smart thing to say and do. And I would never have pushed against that. I’d have been more than happy just staying friends.

But I saw him this last weekend. And it just reminded me of every reason I ever dated him. He’s intelligent, brilliantly so in fact, funny and sweet, not to mention handsome.  He’s a gentleman really. And I know he’s still attracted to me, found out he was last year when I left too. Which of course just leads to far more confusion on my part. Because while this is great on one level – it’s just more trouble. Of course, I realized even before I saw him again (not that I wanted to admit it) that I still was using him as the measure of any guy who ever showed any interest in me. Which of course is a measure to failure, because beyond me expecting them to have every quality that my ex has, I’ve gotten to learn from my mother that I’m “intimidating” and so most guys fail my internal test on sheer fact that they don’t speak to me well, or they get upset about my being smart. I still don’t get it.

My mom explained it this way though – I’m intelligent, extremely intelligent in fact. I’m opinionated and independent. I know what I want and I go for it, at least most of the time. I’m well-read and I can discuss pretty much anything at least partially. I like politics and debate on religion, politics, economics, and pretty much anything else.

She says that guys find it intimidating when women are smart and know what they want. Which means I’m automatically in trouble with guys like that.

I’ve been reading at a post-college level by U.S. standards since I was 7 years old, and I’ve always been reading literature. I read Anna Karenina when I was 11, Moby Dick at 10, 1984 when I was 8…and my favorite novel has been Dracula since I read it at 7. My more recent pick for secondary favorite novel is War and Peace, which I read in 2 weeks when I was 15. I’ve always been well-read, I love reading. Plus, I never had many friends as a child, I’m very awkward around people. So I always retreated to books. Which means that I’ve been very good at reading for a very long time. I read an average of 8.000 words per minute.

I’m a history student, and I have chosen to concentrate on Eastern European, which is unusual I know. But I’m good with dates and times, and I love historical facts. I can hold my own in literature, religion and philosophy. I can fully admit that I have a selective political knowledge base, though I try to learn more. I’m absolutely awful in math and sciences, which means I avoid those, as I don’t like to focus on things I’m not so good at. I’m very opinionated, that is true. And I don’t sugar-coat my opinions to make people happy. I’m not rude or abrasive, not most of the time. But I won’t play at kindness just because someone is uncomfortable with the fact that I’m well aware of what I think. I can nearly always back up my opinions with facts or reasoning. Oh, and then I know what I want to do with my life. I pretty much always have known, so that’s another thing.

Pretty much, mom says it means that I “scare” most guys. They’re afraid to approach me, or that’s what she has to say about it. Which just annoys me to no end. Because I don’t think I’m anything unusual or special. I’m just me, which isn’t much. But going with my mother’s observations, I’m “intimidating” to nearly every man I’ve ever met.

My ex isn’t afraid of me at all. He isn’t intimidated. Which is something rare enough that it definitely is great. He’ll hold down a debate with me, a conversation, he’ll argue if he thinks I’m wrong. I’m sure the sheer fact that he’s one of the few guys I’ve met that isn’t intimidated by me is a lot of it, but he’s not the only one. And yet, beyond all that I’m attracted to him just as much as I was 4 years ago. Talking to him is fun, refreshing really, and also something I’ve missed quite a bit. We didn’t talk a whole lot for nearly the whole time I was in Germany. It’s only been in the last 3 months that we started talking again.

I shouldn’t even think about it. Being friends should be fine. But then, I know that I still like him on some level. And I know he feels something for me. But I also know that he’s probably going to end up dating someone else, and that will just end up hurting down the line for me. I should just do what I can usually do, which is just detach and not look back. Impossible in this case though. Because I really do care about him, and even being friends is better than nothing.

Pretty much, my relationship luck is atrocious. I should have been over him years ago. I’ve been on dates ever since, it’s just a matter of nothing ever seemed to work, even if I tried to make the relationships work. And yet, I can’t even deny the fact that I look at what I want from a guy that I’d date, and pretty much every guy who has ever expressed interest in me fails at it. So pretty much I’m at a loss here. I know that I would date him again, if he were interested. I doubt that he is, or ever would be. Which is just confusing and leads to more trouble for me. And no matter how much mutual attraction there might be, we’ll probably be nothing more than friends. That’s both great and also just a tiniest bit frustrating.

So pretty much, this weekend made me realize that I’m clearly the one who unintentionally makes my life difficult for myself in terms of relationships.

Strange Events in a Week…

And really strange they are.

I’m returning to the States early tomorrow morning. It’s going to be insane really, with my luggage. My room is nearly bare, just my bed-stuff will be put out in the morning, because I kind of need to sleep on the bed still. It’s freakishly sterile looking, after my photos, posters, statues and trinkets have adorned the shelves all year. And I dunno…it’s weird to be going home. I’m panicking already.

Panic comes because I’m slightly people/crowd-phobic (there must be a real name for this). Which means trains, airports and the like are a nightmare. Too many people. And just the stress of having all my luggage for the first time in 11 months again is enough to frighten me a bit. Hopefully I’ll be splitting a taxi with one of the other kids from my program who is going to be traveling tomorrow morning as well. I have 2 suitcases – yes, I’m crazy – and my carry-on. It is going to be a rough day of travel for me. And add in the people and having to deal with dozens of them all day, I’m nervous. Plus – there’s just the whole “oh crap” thought process of actually having to go home again.

I’ve settled in Freiburg, I love it here. So going home is stressful on multiple fronts. But, this week has been unusual for me. Had a friend visit, that went well. She’s very nice, and we had an excellent time. I’m going to miss hanging out with this girl, since she’s in Germany for quite a while, and I’m going home and stuck there for at least a year, perhaps longer, depending on how things work out for me after graduation. So at least I had 4 good days with a friend before the stress of figuring out how to finish packing and all that stuff started up.

But then today was perhaps the oddest. I’ve been more confident the last 2 weeks. I’m going home, but I’m me and totally different. It’s awesome, after a manner. I’m far happier with myself than when I left, and I’m a lot healthier and just more, well me is the only way to describe it really. So I’ve been in an excellent mood. Today though, I went to sell back my clarinet. I was hoping to bring it home, but there’s just no way for me to do that. Not enough room and it’s just too bulky for me to manage. So I had to go and sell it back.

The guy in the store was wonderfully helpful, friendly too. And cute – which is definitely important for my story. So we were talking while I was filling out the paperwork, and he’d asked where I was going home to, so I said roundabouts Seattle (that’s close enough and it’s the only city in Washington most Europeans know anyway). Turns out he has a friend in Seattle, one who actually “learned to love the rain”. Which of course just had me laughing. In case you aren’t from around Seattle/don’t know it too well – it doesn’t rain nearly as much as the national media says it does. For example, Houston & Chicago get more annual rainfall in amount than Seattle. Difference is, Seattle it’s overcast and our rain is spread out over a longer period of time. But, we were just chatting about Germany and such, and music. Turns out though, cute store employee would have, if I weren’t going home tomorrow, asked me out on a date. And, he said that when I come back to Germany I should stop on by. Of course, I’m sure that part is all just nice flirting and he didn’t mean it.

But still – major confidence boost. I’m not the person anyone looks twice at. I’ve always been background person, not really noticed or anything. And pretty much out of the blue this guy says that I’m attractive and he was interested. That’s definitely a huge confidence dose there. And of course, I would get embarrassed and flustered about it. So I think I probably went bright red. I don’t even care if he was just playing nice and flirting for the hell of it. Definitely made my day. So he made me promise that next time I’m in Freiburg I’ll stop in. Don’t know when that will be, but hey, might as well. The store sells awesome music instruments, so next time I’m in Germany, I probably will at least pop in to check it out.

So, between awesome times with friends and then a cute German guy flirting with me – this week has been excellent. Just very strange in the second half of my last 7 days here in Germany. I don’t get flirted with, I don’t get attention like that at all. So it knocked me back and shocked me. But, I’d say a pretty good end to my year in Freiburg.

And now I’m off to try and sleep, or at least pretend to sleep. Early mornings do not agree with me. But, I don’t want to miss my flight.

Having some fun with Christians

And no, I do not mean this in any way of “let’s mess with their beliefs”.

I mean…enjoying a great conversation about religious and spiritual beliefs with full respect. See, I went out this last Friday and hung out with 2 of the women in my study abroad program. They’re both wonderful and I really enjoy spending time with them, we all kind of get along and are quite different from most of the other kids in our program. So that’s another fun thing. But, we went window-shopping, searched the local Münstermarkt (I guess farmer’s market is probably the correct thing to say in English), and then had a wonderful German dinner and chatted for several hours. And by several, I’m pretty sure it was about 4. But it was great.

We were discussing college, our majors, life experiences, tattoos and if we want them or not (I already have 3 and am planning/saving for my 4th, neither of them do, but 1′s planning hers), and religion. Usually I shy away from religious discussions with people my age, they usually end pretty badly. Because, for whatever reason, people my age seem to think that while normally they would be all for “total equality and respect”, when it comes to their faith they have to be boors about it. And I’ll admit, if someone’s disrespectful to me, I do get proud and I will get back in their face, if they’re my age. I’ve learned to not do this nearly so much…but there’s 1 or 2 people who I still instinctively will argue with, no matter what, and they know it. We both are at fault for that, I know. But, for the most part, I try to remain respectful, no matter what. Which is why I avoid the discussion with people my own age, because most people my age can’t be respectfully disagreeable about spirituality. Or rather, that’s just my experiences in the most part.

But we had a wonderful discussion, the 3 of us.

We were discussing relationships, and whether we would date someone not of our spiritual beliefs. I would, but then, my experience with the people I know always has me as one of 2 or maybe 3 self-identified pagans. So I’m very open, as long as my partner will respect my beliefs. Both of them want to date someone in the same faith, which I can understand. It makes sense, and their reasoning, I can accept, even if it’s not for me. But then we were talking weddings, and just other girly things. But I admitted that I’d never get married in a church. See, I don’t understand the whole marry in a church fantasy. For me (and this is me alone), if you aren’t Christian or aren’t marrying a devout Christian, it’s disrespectful to get married in a functioning church. Because by getting married in the building, you’re marrying “before God”. And if you aren’t Christian, I feel like that’s an insult to that God, and to those who worship him. Again, my opinion. Besides, I’ve always wanted, if I get married, to do a fast ceremony – I mean as short as possible, I seriously wish I could get the ceremony over in 5 minutes – and then just have a huge barbecue. I’m sure one of my grandparents would let me have it at their houses on the lawn. Just a huge party, that’s my plan. No church involved.

But of course, they asked why I said I thought it disrespectful to get married in a church. So I explained that I’m pagan and a witch. I was kind of expecting a bit of shock and disdain. Actually, both of them were fascinated. So I had to answer a lot of questions, which was both a bit strange and really nice. It’s a bit weird trying to explain what I believe to people who are raised Christian and don’t really know anything else, but I think I did pretty well. I explained polytheism, and that I’m what you’d call a “hard polytheist”, and what I’m studying at the moment. Of course, because I’m also having this prod to look into specific deities, I explained a bit about that. It’s fun to explain and have a civil conversation. So they asked questions, I answered. And we compared different parts of my belief to Christianity. We have some major differences of opinion, but it was all very respectful.

We talked about ghosts, and what we think they are. Spirits, things that are unusual that we’ve seen or experienced. I sense ghosts at times, I’ve only seen 2. One was my grandma the day after she died. That one almost scared me at first, because here I was, 19 years old, and I see a ghost. The last time I’d seen one I was 7. So I almost dropped everything I’d been carrying, because I thought for sure I was crazy. But, I’m not. And I think my grandma did that so I could see her happy again. Because it was peaceful, a tiniest bit of closure. I also grew up sensing them though, which is what I’m more used to. I can handle feeling ghosts’ presences, even if it startles me at first. So we had a ghost and paranormal discussion.

All in all, I had a blast. I’m not used to enjoying myself in religious discussions. Usually I end up defending myself against attacks. While I don’t mind explaining my beliefs, I will admit I grow tired of the mockery. As one of the girls pointed out “Well, you can’t be any crazier than other people who see things.” Which made me laugh. Because, I had to say that my own personal code is that believing in my gods and accepting their existence is no crazier than any Christian who believes that their God speaks to them. It’s a nice way to end a conversation, just agreeing that we clearly have different beliefs, but we can get along and not have it be a huge deal.

So Friday was a great day. Fun time seeing more of my own beliefs. It’s really a wonder (and I always seem to forget) how much I can learn about myself by trying to explain my beliefs to others who don’t believe anything similar. So it was fun, but I also learned a bit more about myself. All in all, an excellent day.