Butterflies and the Soul

Butterflies fall under the broad category for me of “bugs”, or those creatures that are icky and bug-ish that I dislike. Now, they aren’t as bad as spiders (I’m severely arachnophobia, as in, I have a full-blown panic attack if anyone even mentions the damned things around me, or even jokes about them being in a room), but I don’t like bugs or insects at all. Insects bother me. Flying ones, crawling ones, walking ones, squirming ones…they all bother me. I don’t even like butterflies. Even though people say I should, since they’re, and I quote “pretty”.

But, even if they are “pretty” bugs/insects/whatever the technical term is, I don’t like them. I never have. Butterflies remind me of moths, and moths remind me of mothballs, and mothballs remind me of dust, and dust collects in webs, and webs are spider webs. And word-associations of any kind with insects lead me inevitably to spiders. Ugh.

Sorry, that got me off-track. Now back on topic again.

Glasswing Butterfly

I remember reading somewhere, when I began researching mythology and folklore creatures, that in eastern Europe they thought something different about souls than in western Europe. I was reading about vampires in folklore, and the forms they could take. Of course, I had been reading Dracula by Bram Stoker, and Dracula, the great vampire of the night, took the form of a bat, a wolf, a mist in the night. And Stoker did do research into superstition and folklore of different regions of Europe when writing his book. I mean, the garlic, the iron stakes, the cutting off the heads of the dead…that isn’t all hokum that he made up off the top of his head. Nor are the times of day of power, or the strengths of the vampire, Dracula. The mythology and powers, the legends of the vampire that he attributes to Dracula, his brides, and the vampire lore within Dracula are all rather correct, so Stoker did do at least some research into traditional stereotypes of the time before he put pen to paper, metaphorically speaking.

But I remember reading somewhere that in eastern Europe they believed that it was a different form that “vampires” took in eastern Europe. I believe that it was an article or a book I was reading, said that vampires could take the form of a butterfly in Slavic regions/cultures & folklore, because of something to do with wandering human souls after death. And legends in different regions of Europe differed quite vastly, depending on where one came from. The problem is, I was 7 when I read Dracula, and at 7 I took no real interest in writing down the books or articles names or authors that I was reading all this stuff from. Because, it was all just curiosity. I wasn’t really interested in all the background information about the superstitions, just that there had been research, or even interesting superstitions and cultural traditions that had given Stoker his ideas was interesting enough for me.

So now, 10+ years later, I’m not sure if I’m making up this whole butterflies as an imagining of the dead soul thing or not. Because I can’t find anything academic to confirm my remembering of the reading or not.

But, it always has stuck for me. And so now, years later, I can’t help but imagine that butterflies are souls. Not that every physical butterfly is a soul, that would be beyond insane in my worldview. But…it’s kind of a symbolic thing for me. I can see butterflies as human souls symbolically, more so than I can really see a wolf or a bat as being one after death. I can’t really explain why, there’s no genuine reason, or explainable edge as to why, it just seems to make more sense to me, and it has ever since I read Dracula. Which also sounds awful. Because then it sounds like I say that I think butterflies can represent the human soul because I remember reading it while researching the fictional novel written by Stoker, and it came up that way. And of course, it has some potential ties to vampire folklore. So all the mystical woo-woo factor comes out for that too.

None of that really matters to me.

See, I don’t believe in vampires as such. Never have. Sure, when I was little, I wanted Dracula to be real, because I really wanted my favorite novel to be true (what kid doesn’t? I wanted Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings to be true too). I wanted Harker, van Helsing, Seward, Mina, Quincey and the lot of them to have “rid” the world of his evil. Though that’s an issue in and of itself depending on how you read the Victorian-era novel, but that’s really another blog post. In any case, I never really believed that vampires truly existed.

So I don’t really connect vampires with butterfly-transformation. I connect perhaps butterflies as a potential symbol of the human soul, and perhaps that connects due to an initial reading of Dracula and critiques of Stoker’s research or whatever. Something just kind of stuck in my head back then, telling me that it was correct, that I was right to have the association. It’s stuck with me, and it’s always been right and correct for me to view things this way. I suppose that’s my UPG on butterflies and souls. Because it’s totally unverifiable and I know that it isn’t really a normal thing to have as a connection, but it’s always been stuck in my head, that little voice that tells me I’m right to see it this way.

Always fun when something I dislike (bugs/butterflies) gets attached to something I happen to like (souls).

Musings

Either early-morning or late-night (depending on the point of view). I’ve been awake since 12 midnight my time, as I fell asleep during the evening instead by accident. So by perspective, it’s either really late or really early to be up and writing another blog post. I suppose I tend to go for late-night times anyway. I’m a night-owl by nature, and the polar opposite of a “morning person”. Of course, I also do my best homework during late hours like this. I just turned in my final philosophy paper for my J-Term class (Military Ethics), which I’m eternally grateful to be done with. The class was just awful and drawn-out. Which might also explain why my sleep schedule is so messed up right now.

In any case, it gives me time to think and muse on my spirituality. After a month of discussing the ethics and morality of various military issues has gotten me thinking about my own beliefs. Not in terms of what I think about warfare, terrorism, torture, etc. Because my opinions on those haven’t changed at all through class. I’ve gotten to see other sides to the debates, but I’m still of the same mindset as I was when classes began. Since I go to a private Christian university, quite a few students are Christian. So constantly in class they would bring up “God says do X” or “God says we should do Y”, constantly bringing up their faith. I think that’s rather great, being that confident, but it does grate when we’re discussing secular morality to have religion brought up what seems like every 15 seconds.

It did get me thinking though. Because they had something deliberate to appeal to. I’m not possessing of that. Of course, I also have quite an interesting perspective on morality (according to my class at least). Still, I realized that I don’t have much of the same kind of confidence in just saying, “Well God says ____”, or even in the pagan perspective, “Pantheon X looks at it like this.” I got lambasted a bit for being totally secular in class, constantly putting away the religious observations. But I’ve realized, now that class is over, that I did that mostly because I didn’t have a way to explain to a class full of Christian or Christian-raised students exactly what my worldview was, on a moral inclusive, group-determined scale. Because I haven’t actually dealt with the question of what exactly I am.

I mean…specifically what flavor of pagan I happen to be. The class made me realize that I hadn’t ever really thought that through fully. And so, my recourse in class was to play secular devil’s advocate (oh the hilarity of that statement). Then, realizing that I hadn’t really thought of it, well, that got my mind spinning tonight while I’m awake and should be sleeping.

Side note: I seriously think I do my best thinking in the middle of the night when I should be asleep.

See, I stated a few months ago, that I was intending to research Norse, Slavic and Celtic mythology, or I guess more correctly, continue on my prior paths, but be more rigorous in the studying. But, I’ve realized that clinging to Celtic is just because that was my introduction to paganism. It doesn’t resonate with me very much, though I still find it fascinating. I appreciate the mythology and folklore, but it is not, I have the distinct impression, what I’m meant to be focusing on. That’s something that I’m coming to terms with, and accepting. It did take me quite a while to get that message though, which I also have the impression is probably a relief now that I’m not trying to force anything that I’m not meant to be a part of. And Norse mythology is fascinating, but I think my interest in that was because it has been very popular and the names constantly crop up. Again, nothing wrong with that at all, and I do still enjoy reading some of the Eddas, because there are very interesting things to be learned from reading them, just as there are from reading Celtic stories as well.

I’ve been getting a push to look into Slavic mythology and folklore. Not just because I’m interested in it (which I am, quite intensely interested in it all), but because it is the right path for me now. I figure, I should stop being stubborn and do the looking, because it can only help me. Also, I had to come to realize that trying to research into 3 pantheons all at once was just far too much, it was going to cause a strain on my mind and abilities. I can take quite a while to learn lessons, I admit. This one took me almost the last year to figure out, along with tracings of the last few years. If I focus on what it seems I’m supposed to right now, I think it will help me quite a bit more than stretching myself and trying to research into multiple areas.

There are a few things that tweak my interest, issues that I need to resolve for my own benefit. But this ethics/morality class did remind me that I hadn’t even really considered what I was. I mean, broad overview terms like witch and pagan are fine, and they are technically accurate. But, without really considering what I really am, they’re generalizations. Especially on the “pagan” front. I had not put any serious thought into that name for myself. And these musings made me realize that I really did need to think more about what I really am.

I hesitate to say I’m a Slavic pagan, because I still don’t know enough (though in all honesty I’ll always think that, since I constantly want to know more).

But, at the moment I have the distinct impression that I’m supposed to be learning more about this mythology. And if I’m getting those nudges to look in this particular direction, then I think it’s about time I follow the nudges and listen to the advice. After all, following advice should not do more damage than my proverbial mucking around in the dark over the last few years. I have the time and freedom to do my research after all, in my own space, so I should take advantage of this all. The prodding I’ve gotten in this direction is actually the first real “sign” per say that I’ve ever received, or at least that I’ve been able to determine as a sign. So I should follow the sign if it actually appears for me.

A – Alkonost

The alkonost is a creature half-woman and half-bird. It is beautiful and has a voice that makes the listener forget everything they hear. Usually they are portrayed in art with the sirin, another woman-bird hybrid. They live in the underworld. The part that I always find most fascinating is that when the eggs are about to hatch, the alkonost rolls the eggs into the ocean. When they actually hatch, thunderstorms herald the event. The sea is unable to be traveled during this time.

I’m always fascinated with the sea and thunderstorms, they’re of particular interest to me. I enjoy thunderstorms. They make me feel alive. I think it has something to do with the upheaval that they cause. It’s something to it that I’ve always enjoyed. They have the same kind of delight to me that wind storms hold. It’s all a lot of upheaval and change, renewal and something rather new.

But alkonost themselves, they’re unique. I find them rather unbelievable in that they have the connection to the sea and the thunderstorms.

Christmas Gifts

I just finished my final Christmas of the year (my family has minimum 3 a year, due to all the divorces). Usually Christmas takes minimum 2 weeks, sometimes a month to get through. It’s always at least 2.5 weeks of Christmas meetings between various groups within my family though. I only had 2 Christmas’ this year, which is shocking, because I’ve always had minimum 3 since I was 11 years old. So it’s a bit bizarre to have so few to deal with, and then, just 4 days between the two events. So it’s an unusually quick Christmas season for me. I’m not used to this at all, honestly. It’s bizarre to be done with Christmas before Christmas Day in my family, if I’m completely telling the truth.

I got 6 books on Russian and Slavic mythology and paganism. I got Ivanits text, another text by another author titled Land of the Firebird,  and other texts that I’m not sure of the titles because I don’t have them in front of me at the moment. One is a book of folk tales with illustrations, like a children’s book of sorts that my mom bought for me at a Russian store-stand at a Christmas Market in the Tacoma/Seattle area. The women there are probably quite glad with my family’s patronage, because my grandma and mom buy me a fortune’s worth of goods from this shop. But the folk tales are very amazing too, I love the illustrations. And the mythology books are very interesting from the scans I’ve done so far, I’m excited to read more of them all this January.

I’ve gotten an English translation of the Russian Primary Chronicle that I can’t wait to read either, because I’m very excited to get into that. I’ve been looking for a good translation of it, and I just haven’t had the money to buy one. The version I have right now that I just got is from the 1950′s, and a very good version I’m sure. In any case, it’s excellent social/cultural knowledge for the time period. I love historical knowledge that I can glean, so the Chronicle is a very good gift for me as well.

I adore new books, and getting so many in 1 year Christmas is the perfect thing for me. So now I have quite a few new books to get into over the next few months to read from and dig into for information. It’s actually inspiring to have new books to read again. I always feel a bit stagnated without books around to read.

Christmas usually is awful for me, what with how long it takes, and how much drama there is within my family. However, this year it’s seeming to be okay so far. I’m hoping this continues tomorrow. Because this influx of wonderful books is an excellent sign of what I’m getting in terms of familial relations at the moment. I’m hoping it keeps up the good mood through the rest of my visit to this side of the state.

 

An Interesting Little Thought

That’s perhaps only interesting for me. (But then again, that’s why I write this whole blog, so screw it ) I’m taking a break from some homework that I should be doing. I’m overwhelmed. 2 majors is beyond crazy, as are 2 major research papers in 1 term I might add. However, I suppose I’ve always been a bit crazy in terms of studying, so that’s that.

However, I realized something, an hour ago and it’s been stuck in my head, and it won’t go away, so I’m going to write it down now, and hope that gets me back on track. Because, clearly my personality type (or more than likely my mental disorder — if I’m honest with myself here) doesn’t let me focus on things once something has caught my attention. So, I’m going to write it, and then get back to the grindstone of college life.

So, in my study of paganism, I’ve gotten onto the trail of Slavic deities. Which is both fascinating and by turns immensely frustrating. Because I love learning about them, and learning about things from my family’s heritage, but on the other hand, there’s comparatively little research in languages I can read that’s reliable. Of course this further fuels my desire that I will be learning Russian as my next language, then probably Czech. But that’s a ramble. In any case, just knowing English, I am very cautious, because there’s a lot of Quatsch out there, just like there is for other paths.

But, I do know, from my learning, that one Slavic deity is known for being related to magic. Which of course sticks in my head, because well, it’s interesting. And, I suppose, most people tend to, when I explain what I practice, the first word they come up with is “magic”. So, fun connection for me. It kind of makes me smile. Not that I’m thinking I’m going to go out and dedicate myself to a god yet, I’m not near secure enough in my knowledge to do that, and I don’t really feel mentally/emotionally ready enough for that right now. But, I figure, since I keep getting this kind of connection popping up in my “real life” (i.e. offline), perhaps there’s something to this. I need to do more research obviously, and I’m still trying to sort out the difference from obvious later Christian-mythos overlays that paint this god as the devil, but it’s fun research. I enjoy doing the research after all.

It’s just something that’s been kind of “bothering” me in real life lately. Bothering isn’t the right word of course, just kind of prodding at me, kind of like ‘hey, pay attention’, or just, do some research kind of bothering. Not nuisance bothering at all. And it’s been just rather amusing that lately a few friends, when asked about my attempts at my knot-magic bracelets (I’ll have to post photos next week when my camera has batteries again), were calling it “magic” without my even using any words to bring up the connotation. Then of course, without my using the word witch at all, just explaining that I’m a pagan, and that I’m not pagan, and that I do spells on occasion, I’m getting the word “magic” thrown around. It used to be “witchcraft” all the time. Lately it’s magic. Fun change.

So I dunno. Might just be coincidence. And if it is, oh well. It’ll prove a fun little diversion. If not, well then maybe I’m getting some little sign that I need to wake up and pay attention.

2 Chapters In

“The Bathhouse at Midnight” by W. F. Ryan – here.

I love this book so far. It’s got all the historical facts, the research…everything a history geek like myself would love. And it’s fascinating to read as well. I’ve only read 2.5 chapters (I’m halfway through Chapter 3 at the moment), and it’s excellent. I’ll have to write more concise reviews on the book when I’ve finished reading it.

However, in the meantime, do accept my “fangirling” over this book.

It’s detailed, the sources are well cited. It’s got dozens of references contemporary to the times as well as modern scholarship (modern to writing of the book, which this version was published in 1999). Not to mention, it tells you which Chronicles to read, if you want to read the primary sources. And the citations are wonderful.

I’m reading on the different types of magicians (Chapter 3), at the moment, and it’s fascinating. Not to mention, the use of the Russian words, and explaining the nuances of their meanings and the difficulties in explaining Russian divination and magic in English is fascinating. Also, the comparisons of how the Russian translators translated the texts from other peoples to put them into Russian centuries ago is fascinating. And there is discussion on how the words fitting context of the “learned” or “unlearned” Russians of the time.

All in all, I’m already in love with this book. I’m going to write an actual review when I’ve finished the book. My markings and notations are already quite numerous. This is a book though that I’m going to keep on the shelf.

JSTOR Raids

I have a few articles to read. Found them through JSTOR of course. I’m starting with 2, but I’ve got quite a few to go through. If nothing else, the fact is that these articles are going to be interesting reads. They have been at least to find them and read the first page or so on each. I’m not really sure how well they’ll come out in the long run, but I’ll enjoy reading them nonetheless. I’ve got some enjoyment of the whole situation, what with being able to access JSTOR and get new articles to read for research. I’ll have to check out EBSCOHost later as well.

The articles are interesting enough sounding.

“The Pagan Priests of Early Russia: Some New Insights” by Russell Zguta, from the Slavic Review. JSTOR article: here, if you can access it.

“Perun’s Revenge: Understanding the ‘Duxovnaja Kul’Tura’” by Irving H. Anellis, from Studies in Soviet Thought. JSTOR article: here, if you can access it.

All in all, it should be fun. They sound most interesting. At the worst, I’ve got some very interesting reading. And those are just 2 articles. I think I found about 15 more to go through also. I’ll have to see what I think about these articles. I enjoy research though. So this is the new endeavor for the week.

And Quick Fixes

Following annoyance with my last post.

I went on a JSTOR raid and found numerous things to read. Not that I think they’ll all be perfect, oh no. And I expect some inaccuracies. Less disappointment if I’m expecting them. However, lots of very interesting stuff to read about. Things from symbolism to folklore, Christianization of early Slavs in Russia to studying the hysteria in the early modern period of the witch hunts and the question of whether Russia was affected the same as the rest of Europe. Even an article on Caucasus-region practices that I think (from article synopsis) date from the 18th Century. So not all exactly on topic…but still useful and fascinating to read. And, a few on the different pagan beliefs, and the Church in different times, which should at least give a hint as to what the Church was trying to suppress in any given time.

All in all – JSTOR-raid = my friend. It at least gives me some things to look into in general. And, quite interesting article names too. I’ll write more on my learning of various Slavic paganism-related articles when I have some more time. I’m in a far better mood now.

Minor Frustrations

Such as when one wants to find research on a pantheon. But then learns that pretty much everything easily accessible online is total bullshit. Which is what I find recently.

In research, I’ve begun to learn that pretty much all online websites that pop up in immediate search for “Slavic Mythology” are all bullshit. They mention gods that didn’t exist. Or use 19th Century supposition-created deities as real. And don’t cite much. Even, to my horror, university websites, that are supposed to be scholarly researched, cited and sourced, follow these conventions. It’s frustrating beyond all belief. Even encyclopedias online say that certain deities are real, when it seems that more scholarly research states that the names of said deities come from people doing the equivalent of making stuff up, all dating back to 19th Century romanticism.

It shouldn’t surprise me. They did it for every other culture. It’s just a bit shocking that even “scholarly” sites still uphold it all. I’m buying a reputable book when I have the money later this month, maybe early August, but in the meantime, I wanted to do research. And outside of the internet, books are a bit difficult at the moment. So I thought…at the very least, university sites, with scholarly backing of university research, ought to be at least an acceptable base. But no, not even that. So I’m still at a loss as to research at the moment. I’m looking up academic articles. Even still, I’ve come to the conclusion, based on a preponderance of terribly inaccurate or outright false information, that I’m going to have to be very cautious about even my scholarly research into this for the next few weeks.

So this is just my minor frustration of the moment. As if it weren’t already difficult enough finding information on Slavic mythology, I get to add in the trouble of even “academic” sources being wrong.

Momentary Chaos

Or, why I’m kinda slow on posting. I’d planned on doing more blog posts, I had.

However, my life is in pretty much total upheaval right now. Everything is kind of going crazy…just totally imploding. I don’t really think I can post most of it, I’m not comfortable enough and I’m still shaky. After all, I pretty much know I’ll be doing a form of couch-surfing this summer. Good thing – only 4 weeks of summer vacation for me with the whole situation of being in Germany for this last year. So at least it’s only 4 weeks and not any longer. But it’s still a bit disconcerting.

Long story very short – I’m in the middle of total chaos in my life. And chaos doesn’t really suit me. I like predictability and calmness. I suppose that’s not unusual. After all, I think most people prefer things to remain simple and unconfused. Still though, chaos tends to come in spurts for me. And when it does…well things explode (figuratively). And this time I think I might just have actually done some mental damage to myself. Not really a bad thing, since in the long run I know this will make me stronger. But in the short term it’s painful and it’s going to cause me far more mental anguish than any good. It’s just a mess really, and I definitely did this to myself.

That’s just the way things seem to go for me. I tend to break things to make them better (again, figuratively speaking here).