Butterflies and the Soul

Butterflies fall under the broad category for me of “bugs”, or those creatures that are icky and bug-ish that I dislike. Now, they aren’t as bad as spiders (I’m severely arachnophobia, as in, I have a full-blown panic attack if anyone even mentions the damned things around me, or even jokes about them being in a room), but I don’t like bugs or insects at all. Insects bother me. Flying ones, crawling ones, walking ones, squirming ones…they all bother me. I don’t even like butterflies. Even though people say I should, since they’re, and I quote “pretty”.

But, even if they are “pretty” bugs/insects/whatever the technical term is, I don’t like them. I never have. Butterflies remind me of moths, and moths remind me of mothballs, and mothballs remind me of dust, and dust collects in webs, and webs are spider webs. And word-associations of any kind with insects lead me inevitably to spiders. Ugh.

Sorry, that got me off-track. Now back on topic again.

Glasswing Butterfly

I remember reading somewhere, when I began researching mythology and folklore creatures, that in eastern Europe they thought something different about souls than in western Europe. I was reading about vampires in folklore, and the forms they could take. Of course, I had been reading Dracula by Bram Stoker, and Dracula, the great vampire of the night, took the form of a bat, a wolf, a mist in the night. And Stoker did do research into superstition and folklore of different regions of Europe when writing his book. I mean, the garlic, the iron stakes, the cutting off the heads of the dead…that isn’t all hokum that he made up off the top of his head. Nor are the times of day of power, or the strengths of the vampire, Dracula. The mythology and powers, the legends of the vampire that he attributes to Dracula, his brides, and the vampire lore within Dracula are all rather correct, so Stoker did do at least some research into traditional stereotypes of the time before he put pen to paper, metaphorically speaking.

But I remember reading somewhere that in eastern Europe they believed that it was a different form that “vampires” took in eastern Europe. I believe that it was an article or a book I was reading, said that vampires could take the form of a butterfly in Slavic regions/cultures & folklore, because of something to do with wandering human souls after death. And legends in different regions of Europe differed quite vastly, depending on where one came from. The problem is, I was 7 when I read Dracula, and at 7 I took no real interest in writing down the books or articles names or authors that I was reading all this stuff from. Because, it was all just curiosity. I wasn’t really interested in all the background information about the superstitions, just that there had been research, or even interesting superstitions and cultural traditions that had given Stoker his ideas was interesting enough for me.

So now, 10+ years later, I’m not sure if I’m making up this whole butterflies as an imagining of the dead soul thing or not. Because I can’t find anything academic to confirm my remembering of the reading or not.

But, it always has stuck for me. And so now, years later, I can’t help but imagine that butterflies are souls. Not that every physical butterfly is a soul, that would be beyond insane in my worldview. But…it’s kind of a symbolic thing for me. I can see butterflies as human souls symbolically, more so than I can really see a wolf or a bat as being one after death. I can’t really explain why, there’s no genuine reason, or explainable edge as to why, it just seems to make more sense to me, and it has ever since I read Dracula. Which also sounds awful. Because then it sounds like I say that I think butterflies can represent the human soul because I remember reading it while researching the fictional novel written by Stoker, and it came up that way. And of course, it has some potential ties to vampire folklore. So all the mystical woo-woo factor comes out for that too.

None of that really matters to me.

See, I don’t believe in vampires as such. Never have. Sure, when I was little, I wanted Dracula to be real, because I really wanted my favorite novel to be true (what kid doesn’t? I wanted Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings to be true too). I wanted Harker, van Helsing, Seward, Mina, Quincey and the lot of them to have “rid” the world of his evil. Though that’s an issue in and of itself depending on how you read the Victorian-era novel, but that’s really another blog post. In any case, I never really believed that vampires truly existed.

So I don’t really connect vampires with butterfly-transformation. I connect perhaps butterflies as a potential symbol of the human soul, and perhaps that connects due to an initial reading of Dracula and critiques of Stoker’s research or whatever. Something just kind of stuck in my head back then, telling me that it was correct, that I was right to have the association. It’s stuck with me, and it’s always been right and correct for me to view things this way. I suppose that’s my UPG on butterflies and souls. Because it’s totally unverifiable and I know that it isn’t really a normal thing to have as a connection, but it’s always been stuck in my head, that little voice that tells me I’m right to see it this way.

Always fun when something I dislike (bugs/butterflies) gets attached to something I happen to like (souls).

Christmas Gifts

I just finished my final Christmas of the year (my family has minimum 3 a year, due to all the divorces). Usually Christmas takes minimum 2 weeks, sometimes a month to get through. It’s always at least 2.5 weeks of Christmas meetings between various groups within my family though. I only had 2 Christmas’ this year, which is shocking, because I’ve always had minimum 3 since I was 11 years old. So it’s a bit bizarre to have so few to deal with, and then, just 4 days between the two events. So it’s an unusually quick Christmas season for me. I’m not used to this at all, honestly. It’s bizarre to be done with Christmas before Christmas Day in my family, if I’m completely telling the truth.

I got 6 books on Russian and Slavic mythology and paganism. I got Ivanits text, another text by another author titled Land of the Firebird,  and other texts that I’m not sure of the titles because I don’t have them in front of me at the moment. One is a book of folk tales with illustrations, like a children’s book of sorts that my mom bought for me at a Russian store-stand at a Christmas Market in the Tacoma/Seattle area. The women there are probably quite glad with my family’s patronage, because my grandma and mom buy me a fortune’s worth of goods from this shop. But the folk tales are very amazing too, I love the illustrations. And the mythology books are very interesting from the scans I’ve done so far, I’m excited to read more of them all this January.

I’ve gotten an English translation of the Russian Primary Chronicle that I can’t wait to read either, because I’m very excited to get into that. I’ve been looking for a good translation of it, and I just haven’t had the money to buy one. The version I have right now that I just got is from the 1950′s, and a very good version I’m sure. In any case, it’s excellent social/cultural knowledge for the time period. I love historical knowledge that I can glean, so the Chronicle is a very good gift for me as well.

I adore new books, and getting so many in 1 year Christmas is the perfect thing for me. So now I have quite a few new books to get into over the next few months to read from and dig into for information. It’s actually inspiring to have new books to read again. I always feel a bit stagnated without books around to read.

Christmas usually is awful for me, what with how long it takes, and how much drama there is within my family. However, this year it’s seeming to be okay so far. I’m hoping this continues tomorrow. Because this influx of wonderful books is an excellent sign of what I’m getting in terms of familial relations at the moment. I’m hoping it keeps up the good mood through the rest of my visit to this side of the state.

 

Paranormal Activity and Halloween

I’m going to jump off the end of my last post. Because I realized I hadn’t talked about it yet, so why not. And, Halloween-time is ripe for ghost-talk. Not to mention, Halloween just reminds me of ghosts and all things paranormal-ish that happen/relate to my family. So this is kind of a play-off of my last post in some ways.

Lots of the people in my family believe in ghosts. I didn’t realize that it wasn’t “normal” to believe in them until I was in perhaps 4th or 5th grade, when a kid was laughing about some episode of The X-Files or maybe it was Law & Order where it mentioned ghosts and a character believing in them. I don’t remember. It was a popular TV show though, and it mentioned ghosts, and the kid said that you had to be an “idiot” to believe in anything like that. I never thought twice about it, since it’s not like it’s a huge deal in my family.

My mom saw ghosts in her first apartment out of high school, or at least one of them after she moved out. My grandma’s told me that she remembers seeing my mom talking to “no one” when she was a little kid, full-blown conversations. Or at least, no one that my grandma could see, but my mom could clearly see a person that she was talking to at the front door. My cousins used to see ghosts when they were younger. It isn’t unusual in my family, kind of a non-issue for us. Unless it’s a more frightening experience, we don’t really find any reason to make a huge deal about it. It’s just one of those things that we don’t really see a need to mention, or at least, my side of the family never has.

I used to hear and sense ghosts. I saw a spirit or something once when I was 7, and then I saw my grandma after she died 2 years ago. I don’t know if I want to be able to see them. That would not be pleasant I think. Hearing and sensing them when I was younger was more than enough for me. It didn’t scare me when I was little, not in the first house I grew up in, or in visiting my grandparent’s old Victorian house. Neither one of those houses really bothered me. There was one house where the vibe seriously bothered me, and the ghost in that one actually did scare me. Sensing them and hearing them doesn’t bother me as much as I think actually seeing them would though. But then again, my absolute terror of seeing horror film commercials kind of tells me that I’m a total baby about these kinds of things. I do better with hearing, perhaps because I’m able to ignore visual cues that I don’t see. I kind of like knowing that Iwon’t see anything. It’s a kind of security to know that I’ll sense and hear something, but there’s the security of knowing I don’t have to see whatever it is.

The “Maxwell House” (my name for the house we lived in) was the one place that seriously scared me. That one…sensing was bad enough. I mean, at first it was okay. I’d be home alone, or in the house alone, and I’d hear jazz music coming from downstairs in the library. Which is impossible, because the TV was off, and I’m the only person in my whole family who likes jazz/big band swing, let alone who would play that kind of music. Or, you’d hear party sounds, like an old-time cocktail party going on downstairs at odd hours of the night when it’s deathly quiet in the house, with everyone just reading quietly upstairs. All that was just fine.

But then, about 6-9 months after we moved in, the lady started showing up around us. She was only ever around in the basement, which was converted. It was laundry/storage. I don’t know what it was originally, probably a cellar, knowing how Victorian and Edwardian houses were built. And she haunted what was the laundry room. She seemed to like me though. So she’d play with my hair, re-arrange my curls, tug lightly at them. Which is just really scary when you’re 10-13 years old, and the ghost just seems to have this freaky ability to make the hair stand up on your arms whenever you have to go down into the basement. I seriously suspect, given the history of that house that I remember, that it was not a happy ending for her, or at least not a happy life. I just don’t think I’d want to see what she looked like.

Then again…I think that’s just me. If I don’t see it, it gives me more distance from something. I like that slight distance, and so perhaps that’s why it never bothered me that I never could see ghosts. I know that some people seem to think it strange that I’ve only seen them 2x in my whole life, and that it doesn’t concern me, but I figure, I’ve always been this way. I think, if I suddenly started seeing ghosts, as well as the sensing and hearing, I might wonder if there was something going on. Because that’s never been the way this has gone for me. I suppose, it’s just a matter that, for me, I don’t see these things. It doesn’t concern me, because I’ve always been this way.

Ghosts are just, I guess, kind of a non-subject of discussion in my family. We all believe in them, so I hadn’t really thought to write anything about it. We all believe this stuff, so I don’t consciously think to address anything about it. It’s just a normal thing to believe in within my family.

Halloween

My grandma loved Halloween. She died just over 2 years ago now, something I’m still dealing with. I don’t know if I believe in this whole “thinning of the veil” thing, but I do think that she’s looking down on me in some way or another. I know she’s happier now than she was at the end, I think. I miss her quite a bit, but I am glad that I had even 19 years with her. Still. Halloween is a bit tough for me now, because it’s been my favorite holiday always, and yet it was hers too.

I don’t celebrate sabbats. They’re Wiccan, and I’m certainly not. So “Samhain” isn’t my kind of thing. And I’ve always seen the whole “thinning of the veil” thing as a Samhain kind of idea. And I don’t know…I’ve never gotten the whole idea that a certain time of year would lead to a better idea for spirits to come into contact. I think my skeptic mind comes in here, since I used to hear/sense ghosts and spirits at all times of year. So I never put much stock into times of year being all that special. For me, times of year don’t seem to hold much meaning in this respect, not at this point in my life. So I’m a skeptic on the whole idea that just because some cultures and practices look at it this way, that then it’s just assumed that everyone must then see it all this way. And, when you hear and sense spirits and ghosts at all times of year, well, it’s kind of hard to just go along with the talk of online pagans who insist that spirits are most active around Samhain (I know that most pagans don’t insist that, but online perception did seem to lean that way when I started getting more active in online communities). I’ve never understood the whole idea behind the “veil thinning”, if I’m honest. I guess I understand the mechanics, per say, behind the idea. But then…I don’t get the reasoning behind it. The reasoning confusing it me. Perhaps I don’t understand the full history of the actual Wiccan (by that I mean the coven-bound stuff that is lineage-protected stuff you have to be initated to learn like by Gardnerian tradition) reasoning for the Samhain stuff with the veil-thinning.

I think for me, I just don’t know really why it’s an important time of year for most modern pagans. I think I read somewhere it has something to do with the harvest, final harvest I believe. Which, I think makes sense for people who still live an agrarian life, or who farm. But for people who live in the city, I think it’s kind of funny. Especially people who are city-folk like me and don’t do anything out in the country. I mean…I hate the country. I like going out into the woods and stuff on occasion, but I’m a city gal through and through. And most people are like me. So it’s amusing to me when there are people like me, who then insist on this whole strict adherence to harvest-festivals, but they don’t actually understand why they’re participating. (Now, if they understand what they’re celebrating, I’m fine with it. It’s the one’s who celebrate without having a clue that drive me crazy) But the ones that drive me bonkers are the ones who don’t have a clue why the “veil thinning” is important, but they insist that it is. Those ones confuse me more than anything. If they don’t understand what they’re espousing, why do they do it? I mean…if I didn’t understand what was bothering me (z.B. ghosts), why would I deal with it?

I haven’t sensed or heard ghosts in a while. Granted, I haven’t been living in old houses for 2 years now. That’s a huge change for me. I’m used to living in 100+-year-old houses. I’m used to ghosts, spirits, whatever one wants to call them. I always could sense them growing up, or hear them. I had one that would help me lock my sister in the closet if she wouldn’t leave me alone to read my books at my first home growing up. Then we moved to the house that I just call the “Maxwell House”. That one, I think that ghost woman was murdered (the house is nearly 110 years old, the woman was probably alive 90+ years ago, so it’s very old news). She was scary. I’ve never been so scared of anything that I couldn’t see in my life. I refused to go into the basement of that house if I could avoid it, because that ghost actually unnerved me. She scared even my dad, and I don’t think he really believed in ghosts before that. My grandparent’s house had I think a ghost-cat, I vaguely remember it from when I was a kid.

But in the last 2 years I’ve been living in new houses, all less than 20 years old. It’s weird not living in old houses. New places have no spirits to them. I miss old vibes to places. I miss the old spirits that give houses their atmospheres. And much as ghosts and spirits sometimes unnerved me with the things I could sense, I miss it too. Halloween reminds me of all that I miss, and it reminds me that my grandma isn’t around to enjoy Halloween with.

Hoch auf dem gelben Wagen

„Hoch auf dem gelben Wagen
Sitz’ ich bei’m Schwager vorn.
Vorwärts die Rosse jagen,
Lustig schmettert das Horn.
Felder und Wiesen und Auen,
Wogendes Aehrengold. –
Möchte wohl gerne noch schauen
Aber der Wagen rollt.“

Text from Wikipedia

So I don’t normally post in German, since I know most people don’t read German. The text isn’t so important, unless people can read it (which I do suggest, because it’s also nice). I put it there, just the first verse, though the rest can be found by following the link to the German Wikipedia page for the article. The song is a Volkslied (folk song) in Germany, something I first heard in Baden-Würrtemberg this Spring. It’s a catchy tune though, even if you can’t understand German.

I just particularly love this song. It’s great and puts a smile on my face. It never fails to remind me of Freiburg.

On the Notion of Being “God Bothered”

So, I suppose I never thought I’d even consider this. I suppose it’s a particularly modern-day kind of issue anyway. After all, I think that “god bothered” is a fairly modern notion in paganism.

Or rather, I think this whole situation stems from a highly Christian view of the world. (Fair note – I’ll speak about Christian-perspective in Western culture, specifically in the United States, as that is where I live, and it’s what I know best of all. I am not comfortable enough to speak about other perspectives on religion/culture, as I do not want to over-generalize anything too much. As it is, speaking as a woman raised outside of a “Christian” society, but still within the broader framework, I sometimes will make errors in my assessments of Christianity. If I do so, please let me know about that so I can correct any misunderstandings I have.)

See, the Christian God listens, directly interferes (or as most see it, acts) in people’s lives. He is directly involved in his worshiper’s lives. In Western culture, especially American, people expect that their gods will answer their requests/prayers/rituals and will be involved in a recognizable way. The Christian God is highly entwined in everything that Christians do. If he doesn’t answer in some way, it’s a sign of something not going as planned, something wrong. Or, that you’ve asked for something you are not meant to receive. No matter what, God somehow communicates with his worshipers. So I think most pagans, when they leave Christianity, they carry that notion with them. Even pagans like me, who were never raised Christian, absorb some of that world-view just from constant exposure. Still, it must be stronger in those raised in a religion that teaches that one must have a very personal relationship with God to have salvation and fulfillment from the divine. But, it gets carried over into paganism.

2 Chapters In

“The Bathhouse at Midnight” by W. F. Ryan – here.

I love this book so far. It’s got all the historical facts, the research…everything a history geek like myself would love. And it’s fascinating to read as well. I’ve only read 2.5 chapters (I’m halfway through Chapter 3 at the moment), and it’s excellent. I’ll have to write more concise reviews on the book when I’ve finished reading it.

However, in the meantime, do accept my “fangirling” over this book.

It’s detailed, the sources are well cited. It’s got dozens of references contemporary to the times as well as modern scholarship (modern to writing of the book, which this version was published in 1999). Not to mention, it tells you which Chronicles to read, if you want to read the primary sources. And the citations are wonderful.

I’m reading on the different types of magicians (Chapter 3), at the moment, and it’s fascinating. Not to mention, the use of the Russian words, and explaining the nuances of their meanings and the difficulties in explaining Russian divination and magic in English is fascinating. Also, the comparisons of how the Russian translators translated the texts from other peoples to put them into Russian centuries ago is fascinating. And there is discussion on how the words fitting context of the “learned” or “unlearned” Russians of the time.

All in all, I’m already in love with this book. I’m going to write an actual review when I’ve finished the book. My markings and notations are already quite numerous. This is a book though that I’m going to keep on the shelf.

JSTOR Raids

I have a few articles to read. Found them through JSTOR of course. I’m starting with 2, but I’ve got quite a few to go through. If nothing else, the fact is that these articles are going to be interesting reads. They have been at least to find them and read the first page or so on each. I’m not really sure how well they’ll come out in the long run, but I’ll enjoy reading them nonetheless. I’ve got some enjoyment of the whole situation, what with being able to access JSTOR and get new articles to read for research. I’ll have to check out EBSCOHost later as well.

The articles are interesting enough sounding.

“The Pagan Priests of Early Russia: Some New Insights” by Russell Zguta, from the Slavic Review. JSTOR article: here, if you can access it.

“Perun’s Revenge: Understanding the ‘Duxovnaja Kul’Tura’” by Irving H. Anellis, from Studies in Soviet Thought. JSTOR article: here, if you can access it.

All in all, it should be fun. They sound most interesting. At the worst, I’ve got some very interesting reading. And those are just 2 articles. I think I found about 15 more to go through also. I’ll have to see what I think about these articles. I enjoy research though. So this is the new endeavor for the week.

And Quick Fixes

Following annoyance with my last post.

I went on a JSTOR raid and found numerous things to read. Not that I think they’ll all be perfect, oh no. And I expect some inaccuracies. Less disappointment if I’m expecting them. However, lots of very interesting stuff to read about. Things from symbolism to folklore, Christianization of early Slavs in Russia to studying the hysteria in the early modern period of the witch hunts and the question of whether Russia was affected the same as the rest of Europe. Even an article on Caucasus-region practices that I think (from article synopsis) date from the 18th Century. So not all exactly on topic…but still useful and fascinating to read. And, a few on the different pagan beliefs, and the Church in different times, which should at least give a hint as to what the Church was trying to suppress in any given time.

All in all – JSTOR-raid = my friend. It at least gives me some things to look into in general. And, quite interesting article names too. I’ll write more on my learning of various Slavic paganism-related articles when I have some more time. I’m in a far better mood now.

Minor Frustrations

Such as when one wants to find research on a pantheon. But then learns that pretty much everything easily accessible online is total bullshit. Which is what I find recently.

In research, I’ve begun to learn that pretty much all online websites that pop up in immediate search for “Slavic Mythology” are all bullshit. They mention gods that didn’t exist. Or use 19th Century supposition-created deities as real. And don’t cite much. Even, to my horror, university websites, that are supposed to be scholarly researched, cited and sourced, follow these conventions. It’s frustrating beyond all belief. Even encyclopedias online say that certain deities are real, when it seems that more scholarly research states that the names of said deities come from people doing the equivalent of making stuff up, all dating back to 19th Century romanticism.

It shouldn’t surprise me. They did it for every other culture. It’s just a bit shocking that even “scholarly” sites still uphold it all. I’m buying a reputable book when I have the money later this month, maybe early August, but in the meantime, I wanted to do research. And outside of the internet, books are a bit difficult at the moment. So I thought…at the very least, university sites, with scholarly backing of university research, ought to be at least an acceptable base. But no, not even that. So I’m still at a loss as to research at the moment. I’m looking up academic articles. Even still, I’ve come to the conclusion, based on a preponderance of terribly inaccurate or outright false information, that I’m going to have to be very cautious about even my scholarly research into this for the next few weeks.

So this is just my minor frustration of the moment. As if it weren’t already difficult enough finding information on Slavic mythology, I get to add in the trouble of even “academic” sources being wrong.