All Good Intentions

Kind of go out when packing. I’ve been home just over 48 hours now. It’s hard settling back into a time zone 9 hours behind the Freiburg one. I’m still not used to being back in the States. I have to consciously think not to speak German. That’s the hardest part – since no one in my family speaks German, so no one would understand me.

But, before I left I had intended to do a bit of knot magic as a kind of security measure. Something to keep some emotional protection close at hand to myself. Of course, intentions go awry when one must pack 11 months worth of things up in 3 days. So I didn’t get to do that in Freiburg, and the last 2 days I’ve been too busy and exhausted. So that’s my project for tomorrow morning. I’m going to make a bracelet out of some thread I brought back from Freiburg. I figure, keeping it close will make it more effective and should help me out as well. And if it’s a bracelet, well it will be easy to wear without anyone asking any strange questions. Not to mention – it won’t bother my more conservative friends who are uncomfortable with such things.

So experimentation took a week-ish long delay. But that’s a priority for tomorrow. Should be a good exercise. And since I’m not totally exhausted anymore, I have the energy to do this correctly now.

Strange Events in a Week…

And really strange they are.

I’m returning to the States early tomorrow morning. It’s going to be insane really, with my luggage. My room is nearly bare, just my bed-stuff will be put out in the morning, because I kind of need to sleep on the bed still. It’s freakishly sterile looking, after my photos, posters, statues and trinkets have adorned the shelves all year. And I dunno…it’s weird to be going home. I’m panicking already.

Panic comes because I’m slightly people/crowd-phobic (there must be a real name for this). Which means trains, airports and the like are a nightmare. Too many people. And just the stress of having all my luggage for the first time in 11 months again is enough to frighten me a bit. Hopefully I’ll be splitting a taxi with one of the other kids from my program who is going to be traveling tomorrow morning as well. I have 2 suitcases – yes, I’m crazy – and my carry-on. It is going to be a rough day of travel for me. And add in the people and having to deal with dozens of them all day, I’m nervous. Plus – there’s just the whole “oh crap” thought process of actually having to go home again.

I’ve settled in Freiburg, I love it here. So going home is stressful on multiple fronts. But, this week has been unusual for me. Had a friend visit, that went well. She’s very nice, and we had an excellent time. I’m going to miss hanging out with this girl, since she’s in Germany for quite a while, and I’m going home and stuck there for at least a year, perhaps longer, depending on how things work out for me after graduation. So at least I had 4 good days with a friend before the stress of figuring out how to finish packing and all that stuff started up.

But then today was perhaps the oddest. I’ve been more confident the last 2 weeks. I’m going home, but I’m me and totally different. It’s awesome, after a manner. I’m far happier with myself than when I left, and I’m a lot healthier and just more, well me is the only way to describe it really. So I’ve been in an excellent mood. Today though, I went to sell back my clarinet. I was hoping to bring it home, but there’s just no way for me to do that. Not enough room and it’s just too bulky for me to manage. So I had to go and sell it back.

The guy in the store was wonderfully helpful, friendly too. And cute – which is definitely important for my story. So we were talking while I was filling out the paperwork, and he’d asked where I was going home to, so I said roundabouts Seattle (that’s close enough and it’s the only city in Washington most Europeans know anyway). Turns out he has a friend in Seattle, one who actually “learned to love the rain”. Which of course just had me laughing. In case you aren’t from around Seattle/don’t know it too well – it doesn’t rain nearly as much as the national media says it does. For example, Houston & Chicago get more annual rainfall in amount than Seattle. Difference is, Seattle it’s overcast and our rain is spread out over a longer period of time. But, we were just chatting about Germany and such, and music. Turns out though, cute store employee would have, if I weren’t going home tomorrow, asked me out on a date. And, he said that when I come back to Germany I should stop on by. Of course, I’m sure that part is all just nice flirting and he didn’t mean it.

But still – major confidence boost. I’m not the person anyone looks twice at. I’ve always been background person, not really noticed or anything. And pretty much out of the blue this guy says that I’m attractive and he was interested. That’s definitely a huge confidence dose there. And of course, I would get embarrassed and flustered about it. So I think I probably went bright red. I don’t even care if he was just playing nice and flirting for the hell of it. Definitely made my day. So he made me promise that next time I’m in Freiburg I’ll stop in. Don’t know when that will be, but hey, might as well. The store sells awesome music instruments, so next time I’m in Germany, I probably will at least pop in to check it out.

So, between awesome times with friends and then a cute German guy flirting with me – this week has been excellent. Just very strange in the second half of my last 7 days here in Germany. I don’t get flirted with, I don’t get attention like that at all. So it knocked me back and shocked me. But, I’d say a pretty good end to my year in Freiburg.

And now I’m off to try and sleep, or at least pretend to sleep. Early mornings do not agree with me. But, I don’t want to miss my flight.

One Lovely Blog Award

So the lovely Sammiwitch nominated me for this award. Which is just wonderfully sweet and makes me blush actually. I’m really honored that they feel that way, and that everyone else reads my blog. So thank you to Sammiwitch first of all!

And now the formalities.

The rules:

  1. Thank the person who nominated you and link back to them in your post.
  2. Share seven things about yourself.
  3. Nominate up to fifteen bloggers you admire.
  4. Leave a comment on each of the blogs, letting them know they have been nominated.

7 things:

  1. I’ll have 4 tattoos within the next 3 weeks (making an appointment for the 4th next week).
  2. My favorite colors are red, silver and green.
  3. I love Czech and Russian opera composers.
  4. I’ve spent the best year of my life in Freiburg im Breisgau, Germany.
  5. I watch terrible action films when I’m having a bad day – it never fails to cheer me up.
  6. I love writing stories to relax.
  7. I collect books – I have over 500.

Nominations:

I’ll have to add this part on later, sorry everyone. I’m returning to the States early tomorrow morning, so I’m frazzled and just not thinking very straight. I’ll be back online either tomorrow evening (Friday) or Saturday, by Sunday at the latest I’ll be able to do this part. But, I didn’t want to have this sitting without acknowledging it until then, as I’ve already let it sit a few days. So give me just a few days to get settled in again at home, and I’ll have some wonderful recommendations for you all!

Knot Magic

New project. I’ve been fascinated by this for forever. I’m really always interested in yarn/thread-craft.

My grandma taught me to crochet when I was 7 over Christmas vacation at her house. She’d been doing it for years. I still have 2 blankets she made me. And she was brilliant at it as well. So I asked her to teach me. I’ve been doing it ever since. I’m not good, not at all, but it’s fun and relaxing. I enjoy it, even if for the most part I just make fabric-blobs that serve as really good practice. Or, if they turn out decently, as good cushions for my figurines. Basically – I’m not up to blanket-making territory in the slightest. But I enjoy it.

However, I’ve recently been reading about people who knit as part of their practice. I haven’t seen crocheting discussed that way, but it may just be that more people knit. In any case, I was thinking about it, and it seemed like a good idea. After all, something with patterns, with intention, ought to be good for magic. So I think I might try that, since it would be an interesting experiment at best and at worst just a new way to do things (note – worst isn’t bad at all. I see this as a no-lose scenario).

But then I found a few articles about knot magic. Which sounded fascinating. I’ll need to learn knots to do it, because I don’t know a lot of them. But, I kind of like the idea of creating magic with knots. I know that it probably isn’t the most popular way, but the things I’ve read about it seem fascinating. And I definitely think it would be an interesting thing to work with. The other reason why it probably appeals is that I still live at home, at least until college starts up in September. And my family doesn’t want me “practicing”. Which to them means altar, incense, candles, etc – i.e. big things. However, a small thing like knot magic, well that they wouldn’t care about. It isn’t intrusive at all, it doesn’t make them see that I’m doing anything “weird”. So it’s a form of craft that I could do, even around family or during vacations.

Of course, I’m finding that blogs that discuss knot magic are good for figuring out theory of it. For ideas of how it could be used. For the actual knotting itself, I’ve found some braiding websites or knot-information websites that tell how to make the knots. So it’s practical too. I enjoy practicality in everything I do, so this should work quite well.

And I’m excited to start actually performing witchcraft again. I’ve had to moratorium it all because of my family deciding no more candles or setting up installations in the house. And, me bringing plants, oils, incense and all that stuff into the house would have always been a no. So I have a way to work on this now that my family won’t have a problem with, because it’s wholly unobtrusive. It will be fun to work with this and see about my results.

Insomnia, Tea and Centering Oneself

Or, more coherently spoken: 2 things that every woman in my family has in common and 1 new idea.

Insomnia runs in my family pretty strongly. I think that nearly every adult has bouts. Though I happen to have it worse than almost any other. My mom gets bouts just as badly as I do, but not, I think, nearly as frequently as she used to. I suffer pretty badly from it, no doubt not helped along by being a college kid trying to finish 2 term papers while packing to head home too. But that’s just an excuse. My insomnia flares up even when I don’t have a lot of stuff to do. I just have the unfortunate luck of being an insomniac by nature. And I’ve always been more the night owl. I can get up early and go to 8am classes and function and not be a grump, but I really prefer being up at nighttime. I get most of my work done then, I’m far more comfortable, and just generally far more me later in the day. So insomnia is really not helpful when paired with my natural night owl tendencies.

Which leads to present problem. I’ve had in 5 days 2 different times being up for 36+ hours straight. Not tired at all, not really wanting to sleep, etc. And that’s a problem of course, because I can’t really say it is healthy to stay awake for that long and then sleep again. It’s not healthy in the slightest. So today, or rather yesterday the 17th, I crashed at 5pm and slept until 2am this morning (the 18th), after being awake for 36 hours. Not good. Sleeping in the afternoon/evening just messes with me even more than normal, even though I clearly needed the sleep if I crashed like that.

Really, my mom’s already worried. So I’ll have to discuss the insomnia with my doctor when I’m back in the States again. Because it’s beyond just “inconvenient” anymore and into the territory of “life disrupting”.

However, tea helps. Not green tea. I like green tea, it’s good, especially jasmine green tea…but I don’t drink it a lot. It isn’t strong enough. I live on black tea. And every woman in my family loves tea, though I drink the most of it by far. Between my junior and senior years of high school I got to the point where I was drinking an average of 10 cups of tea a day. My doctor had a fit when she found out and insisted I cut back and stop drinking all tea whatsoever. She swore that the “recent uptake in caffeine from tea-drinking” was the cause of my frequent and awful migraines. Now, I’d been drinking that much tea for over a year before the rash of migraines, so I figured that was crap. And I got extremely sick and worse migraines when she told me I was only allowed to drink decaf and I listened. So after three weeks of no tea I gave up and went back to drinking my tea, though in all fairness I cut back to 4 cups a day.

Now, 4 years later, I’m at an average 3-5 cups a day. My friends like to drink tea when they need an energy boost. And none of them will touch it after 5pm. It “keeps them awake”. Which, in theory makes a lot of sense. However, I’ve learned that drinking a cup or 2 of black tea helps ease my insomnia. My doctor swears that it’s not true, but since I’m the one who lives with it, I think I know in this case a bit better. It’s almost (and this is just my opinion as to me myself, not fact) as though I’ve gotten rather immune to the caffeine in black tea. Not immune per say, but, well, it just doesn’t affect me a lot anymore. So while my friends can’t touch tea after a certain hour, I can have a cup or 2 right before going to sleep at 11pm and still sleep excellently for 6-7 hours. And actually, it does seem to help the insomnia when I have tea.

But then that made me think. Because whether it is purely mental or not, tea does help my insomnia. It helps calm me and relax me. And I can always use that, because my mind naturally runs in a dozen different directions, all at once. Which explains why I can’t really just calm down, focus on myself and get anything done. My mind is just naturally far too frantic. But, if I want to do better with witchcraft and the like, I need focus, calm and to just be less frantic. I figure I need to center myself, make sure that I’m not in 20 places at once. Focusing inwards, I guess is how I think of it. And I don’t know why it never occurred to me before, but I should have thought of drinking tea before doing this, because it always works for “normal life” stuff, so why wouldn’t it work for my spiritual/witchcraft stuff?

Which means it’ll be experiment time once I’m back home and settled. It might make things a bit easier and less chaotic. And, it actually is quite a brilliant idea for myself, so I’m going to attempt it. After all, if it works – I have an excellent new way to help keep myself on track and focused. Might even help me with meditation, now that I’m writing this out. So that’s a new plan, to try and see if this helps with the centering, relaxing, calming and focusing.

And Quick Fixes

Following annoyance with my last post.

I went on a JSTOR raid and found numerous things to read. Not that I think they’ll all be perfect, oh no. And I expect some inaccuracies. Less disappointment if I’m expecting them. However, lots of very interesting stuff to read about. Things from symbolism to folklore, Christianization of early Slavs in Russia to studying the hysteria in the early modern period of the witch hunts and the question of whether Russia was affected the same as the rest of Europe. Even an article on Caucasus-region practices that I think (from article synopsis) date from the 18th Century. So not all exactly on topic…but still useful and fascinating to read. And, a few on the different pagan beliefs, and the Church in different times, which should at least give a hint as to what the Church was trying to suppress in any given time.

All in all – JSTOR-raid = my friend. It at least gives me some things to look into in general. And, quite interesting article names too. I’ll write more on my learning of various Slavic paganism-related articles when I have some more time. I’m in a far better mood now.

Minor Frustrations

Such as when one wants to find research on a pantheon. But then learns that pretty much everything easily accessible online is total bullshit. Which is what I find recently.

In research, I’ve begun to learn that pretty much all online websites that pop up in immediate search for “Slavic Mythology” are all bullshit. They mention gods that didn’t exist. Or use 19th Century supposition-created deities as real. And don’t cite much. Even, to my horror, university websites, that are supposed to be scholarly researched, cited and sourced, follow these conventions. It’s frustrating beyond all belief. Even encyclopedias online say that certain deities are real, when it seems that more scholarly research states that the names of said deities come from people doing the equivalent of making stuff up, all dating back to 19th Century romanticism.

It shouldn’t surprise me. They did it for every other culture. It’s just a bit shocking that even “scholarly” sites still uphold it all. I’m buying a reputable book when I have the money later this month, maybe early August, but in the meantime, I wanted to do research. And outside of the internet, books are a bit difficult at the moment. So I thought…at the very least, university sites, with scholarly backing of university research, ought to be at least an acceptable base. But no, not even that. So I’m still at a loss as to research at the moment. I’m looking up academic articles. Even still, I’ve come to the conclusion, based on a preponderance of terribly inaccurate or outright false information, that I’m going to have to be very cautious about even my scholarly research into this for the next few weeks.

So this is just my minor frustration of the moment. As if it weren’t already difficult enough finding information on Slavic mythology, I get to add in the trouble of even “academic” sources being wrong.

Pagan Blog Prompt: All in the Genes

Pagan Blog Prompts: All in the Genes:

Is it hereditary?
I had to think about my wording on this one… I had to leave it vague, because I wanted it to be as open to interpretation as possible.

What I’m referring to here can be magic, witchcraft, spirituality, the things you can do that others around you cannot, etc. Another way to put it might be “Do you come from a family of Witches?” but that only works if you see yourself as a witch. Get what I’m trying to say here?

What you do and who you are – did it come from your bloodline? Or is it something you discovered and nurtured on your own?

This is interesting. I’m not sure if there’s even really an answer. Because this is complicated on so many levels. It seems like there’s this whole attitude that people need to have some sort of history, or they’re lacking credibility as witches/pagans/whatever. And that just rubs me the wrong way. See, as I’ve already said – I’m the only pagan or witch in my whole family. My family is made up of lapsed Catholics and Protestants – now Agnostics or Atheists – or just plain Agnostics or Atheists who never had religion to begin with. I’m the only one who ever turned to magic, to witchcraft or to paganism. It definitely has been unusual, my family doesn’t always understand me and my beliefs, but they’ve come to at least accept that I’m going to believe this stuff and they might as well accept it. Continue reading

Pagan Blog Prompt: Vegetarian

Pagan Blog Prompts: Vegetarian

How does being a Pagan affect your view on Vegetarians?

Does your love and respect for nature and living things lead you to stay away from meat? Or is it more based on the nature of the food processing that bolsters your distaste for meat?

If you are of the carnivorous branch of humans, does your Pagan view on life make you feel guilty at all? Does it affect the choices you make when you shop for meat in the store?

Fair warning and full disclosure: I’m a vegetarian.

Now, it has nothing to do with my spiritual beliefs. Which, at least from online observation of pagan groups, seems to be a huge shock to most people I meet. I seem to encounter those who are in an uproar about my lack of spiritual/religious concern for the plight of animals even as I abstain from consuming their flesh.

In fact, I’m very well aware of the fact that any pagan ancestors I have would have been eating quite a lot of meat. Doesn’t bother me in the slightest. I’d have probably been the strange one. And honestly, humans are built to consume some meat, so it’s not like it goes against nature. I’m not one of those (I’ll use the stereotype) “tree-hugging” pagans. I don’t like to go surround myself with nature. I like my modern amenities – especially indoor plumbing! – far too much to go and enjoy “roughing it” out in the wilderness. Nature is pretty, I enjoy it, however, I’m not going to ever be someone who goes off the grid to avoid causing any environmental harm. Humans cause some harm, I am for minimizing my effect upon this planet, but I know I can’t sum it out at zero.

I’m a vegetarian for 1 major reason. I’ve been one for so long, I honestly don’t remember what meat tastes like. I still hate the smell of meat. Truth be told, the smell of holiday turkey, or (more frequently) my family’s summer backyard barbecue hamburgers/brats makes me ill. I have to leave the kitchen during big family events, because the smell of meat cooking makes me physically nauseous. But – I’m a vegetarian for the main reason that I absolutely hated the taste of meat. I despised having to eat it as a kid, because I thought it disgusting. I didn’t know what the meat industry was like back then (I was like 11 or 12), and I doubt I would have cared. After all, if I didn’t see it, it didn’t bother me a whole lot as a kid. Our meat industry has a lot to answer towards, but I’m aware that as long as demand exists, it will continue to exist. I do wish and hope that it will be cleaned up and made more humane, but I’m not holding my breath. And I’m also well aware that if the whole planet went vegetarian or vegan we would have a whole host of other problems. So neither is a perfect solution. But I chose to quit eating meat because I hated the taste. It wasn’t fun or pleasant to eat, so why bother?

And, I’ve learned since, I’m far healthier as a vegetarian than I was as a meat-eater. That’s me personally. I know not everyone can be vegetarian. I don’t care what another person eats, pagan or not, as long as they don’t force it upon me. I’m the only vegetarian in my whole group of friends. They think I’m crazy, but they leave me alone. I don’t bother them about their hamburgers, steak or chicken, they don’t bother me about my salads, soy-products and tofu. I’m healthier than I used to be, and since I never enjoyed meat, I see no reason to eat it. I’m also slightly lactose-intolerant, as I’ve begun to learn in the last 10 months, which leads to a few more challenges. I’ve learned how to diversify my diet and ensure I get the protein and other essentials that I need without meat. That’s fine for me. Others don’t want to, can’t, or just refuse to be vegetarian. I see nothing wrong with that.

I love my pets as much as everyone else. I love animals too. I’m particularly fond of anything feline or canine. Still, humans by nature eat animals. Other animals eat other animals. So why the uproar over pagans doing what comes perfectly naturally to humans? In a historical context, I’d be willing to wager that vegetarians like me are an oddity, so there’s no reason to shame meat-eaters in their choices. There’s a difference between loving your dog Fido or cat Meowser, and choosing to eat a steak or chicken breast for dinner. I do not really understand the militant vegetarianism or veganism that shames people for eating meat. And the tripe about “you don’t love animals if you eat meat” is false, asinine and abhorrent. Our ancestors for thousands of years had pets, dogs or cats, that helped them hunt, and they loved these animals no less than a modern-day vegetarian or vegan does.

Basically – I’m of the opinion that each person makes their own determination. If you are a person who is comfortable, healthy and fine eating meat – then that’s your business. I’m happy, healthy and comfortable not touching any of that stuff. It’s a personal preference and decision that is no one else’s business. If you love animals and have pets, but also eat meat, that’s also fine. Neither vegetarians or meat-eaters are any better. It’s a personal decision that is of no concern to anyone but the person making said decision. I’m no better a pagan for not eating meat, and neither is my meat-eating friend a better person for doing “what [our] people have been doing for thousands of years”. It’s personal preference. And I think that your eating habits are the last concern of which I would express interest in a pagan forum or discussion.