No Guilt

Though I probably should feel some. I just don’t. Not sure if I’m okay with that or not. I’m leaning towards being okay with not having any guilt, though.

Ah, and just a note – this is a massive rant. This is the first time in years I’ve been able to just say this all, well write it out in this case, but still. So it’s a lot. I’m more posting this because it’s cathartic and it’s actually released a huge amount of stress and I’m feeling far happier than I have in years. I feel like I’ve actually got the energy and spirit to do research now, to keep learning, even if I don’t always have the most time to do so. I don’t expect anyone to actually read this. In fact, I rather suspect that even if most people start reading, they’ll quit fairly quickly. I’m fine with that, because this is absolutely personal, and I’m sure that it’s not really relatable to probably 95%+ of the population out there. In any case – I feel better and writing this helped. So, if you really want, do read. If not, then feel free to skip. It isn’t much about my practice at all. This is purely daily life.

College and the Trials of Being Pagan

I’m in college, pretty obvious, and I’m sure I’ve stated it a few times. A bit more information on that – because this is the whole point of today’s blog post.

I go to a private university – it’s wonderful. My professors are great, the classes are challenging, fun and open. However, one small problem. It’s a Lutheran university. Lutheranism is not the problem. The problem is that it’s a Christian school. And easily over 75% of the student body are Christians of one denomination or another. I’d bet that less than 10% of the students are of other religions, leaving roughly 15% as agnostic or atheist. That’s not hard fact, just my own personal observations of the religious makeup of the school. Given that the vast majority of the school is Christian – I’ve run into a few small problems from other students. I talked a bit about that in one of my first posts, the issue of religion in my Christian Traditions class I had to take, and the freakout that a few kids had in my not being Christian. But normally it is no problem.

That’s most likely because I live at home. I live about 20 miles from campus, drive to and from every day. I did that both my freshman and sophomore years. This year, junior year, I am in Germany. I’m going back for my senior year, obviously. I live with my grandma, who’s gracious enough to let me live with her, do work around the house, cat-sit, and just generally help out, as long as my grades are good and I’m full-time enrolled, until I graduate next May. My grandma smokes though, like a chimney. I do not exaggerate either, the walls of her garage, where she smokes, are yellow – side effect of living in a house for 15+ years and always using the same room as the smoking room. However, the whole house reeks of smoke, and I can’t handle it anymore. I’ve got a few minor health issues, but after living in a smoke-free building for 11 straight months, there’s no way I can physically handle living with her anymore. I can deal with the say 4 weeks before school starts again, but I applied to move into my school’s apartment-dorm complex. It’s a dorm building, or residence hall I guess, but you live like an apartment – with a kitchen, so I don’t have to get a meal plan. Being a vegetarian, that’s wonderful for me. See, my school has roughly 3-4 vegetarian/vegan options for breakfast, 5 for lunch and 4 for dinner. Now, that’s horridly boring. I’ve watched the menu lists for 2 years, cause I will on rare occasions buy food at school, if I forgot to make my own lunch, or if I want to eat with friends. Exact same offerings the last 3 years straight. So that’s boring. Plus – I love cooking. I don’t think I could give it up after basically living in an apartment here in Germany for a year.

But, I applied to get a place there. I’m on a waiting list, but it’s 80% likely I’ll get into an apartment. I’m most likely going to end up in one of the 4-bedroom apartment options, which is not too bad. At the moment I have 14 Mitbewohner, so 3 others will be a piece of cake actually. However, I also know that I am likely to be the only non-Christian in my suite. That doesn’t bother me much, since I’m the only pagan or witch in my whole family or my friends in real-life. It’s not something I generally worry about. I don’t crow my beliefs from the rooftop, but I also don’t hide them. If someone asks, I’m honest, so I don’t see a problem usually. I did talk with my mom about it. She still thinks I’m going through a phase, which is another problem for another day. I mentioned that I wanted to email my school’s housing authority and ask about my rights for practice. Meaning, what I am allowed to have in my room and what is not allowed by university policy. See, Christians are allowed to practice, so I wanted to know what the rules were, so that I don’t unintentionally break any of them in my practice. My mom’s response  – “Don’t cause problems”.

Yeah, great advice. See, my parents raised me to stand up for myself. I’m not going to hide my beliefs just because I might be the only one. I wasn’t intending (and I never did have any intention of doing this) to decorate the common areas – kitchen, living, bathrooms – with pagan or witch-themed things. No. I was planning on setting up a small altar in my room, and adapting my practice to fit what my school’s housing contract allows. See – candles are forbidden as are incense, so I can’t use those, and I would make sure I didn’t have those in my room, no problem. I don’t see the point in hiding and not practicing for a full year, just because I’m living with others. And usually I’d keep my door shut, that’s just the way I am. But if my roommates were hanging out in my room, or if I had friends hanging out they’d happen to see it. Or probably see at least something. And I know it would raise questions. Not that they’d panic, just curious, because it is not going to be a cross on my wall or anything. So I wanted to know what my university’s policies were. Just in case there was a problem, I would know all the rules. Plus – if there was a problem because of my beliefs, well then that’s something major to address to the housing authority on campus.

But my mom tells me “Don’t cause problems. Just leave it alone while you’re on campus.” And I think that’s total B.S. Why should I have to hide my practice and deny who I am for a year? Christians can hang their crosses, or their God-themed posters and plaques without fear. Hell, I’d even be fine with a pretty angel hanging in the kitchen, it wouldn’t bother me. I would ask all God-themed posters to be kept to rooms, but that’s just a bit of common courtesy. I wouldn’t even be asking to put my things out in the common areas. I just wanted to know what the rules are, so I can practice in peace without breaking any of the points to the contract I sign when I move in. And telling me that I should just “let it go” while I’m on campus? That infuriates me and actually upsets me quite a bit.

So I have been debating about emailing my housing authority. The school is open enough. There are services offered every Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings at 10.30, not required, plus the Sunday service. They do holiday services special as well. We aren’t required to attend any of these. My professors have all been extremely open about religious belief. It’s not like anyone cares if you’re Lutheran or not, besides a few students. So I just don’t know. I feel like hiding my beliefs is an insult and me outright lying. But then, I also know very well what could happen if I even set up a simple altar and one of my roommates has a real issue with it. I’m likely to have stuff stolen, trashed, destroyed, whatever – if I am unlucky enough to get one of the minority (very small at that) that would be so intolerant of things in my own personal room. It’s a conundrum. Because I shouldn’t even have to worry about this. I should be able to just email my housing authority, ask them my questions, and then go about it without breaking the rules. It should be that easy. But it isn’t. Because now I have my mom’s voice in my head, pointing out that I will only be asking for trouble that [I] don’t need. Which is just nonsense, but it’s there nonetheless.

My school has no organizations for pagans. We’ve got multiple Christian organizations, one for Buddhists I believe (or it was getting started up when I left, I can’t remember if it’s fully established yet or not), and that’s it for religious organizations. It’s insane how many Christian ones there are. We’ve got one for Lutherans, another for Protestants, I think one for Catholics, one for Christian men in sports, other specified things like that. So that’s all great. But then there’s the fact that I know I’m one of the very few pagans on campus, and I can’t even turn to an organization for support, or for anyone who’s dealt with something similar at my school to know what to do. I know that they usually say, just email the authority and talk it over with them. But, usually that works best when the school has a history of dealing with things like this. I don’t think my university does.

So I’m in a bind. I want to practice, and I know I will, but I just can’t bring myself to send off that email asking about what my rights are while I’m living on campus. Because I still have my mom’s voice chanting that stupid phrase, telling me that I’m just going to make life difficult for myself when I don’t need it.

Siddhartha

This is about Hermann Hesse‘s novel, not Siddhartha Gautama the Buddha.

I recently had a friend recommend I read it, since she thought “[I'd] love it!” Funny enough, since I read it my senior year of high school for my AP Literature course. It was a choice assignment to be done over summer break before senior year started. Read Siddhartha, Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad, or The Alchemist by Coelho. Most of the class chose to read Heart of Darkness because it was only 120ish pages in the version they were required to buy. Pretty much the usual standby: the least amount of work = what most high school kids will read. And actually – of the 20 people who chose to read that novel, only 6 of them actually read it. The other 14 Spark-noted or Cliff-noted it. 5 chose to read The Alchemist and there were 3 of us who chose Siddhartha.

I chose Siddhartha because the version we were suggested to buy (not required) was out of print. Fascinating. So I wanted to read the book that had an out-of-print run to its name. Of course, that was angst-inducing for my poor parents, but hey, I really wanted to read it. Actually – I’m glad I took the time to use the Borders website and find the right version. I put a copy on hold at our local store, one of only 5 copies they had left and they weren’t buying more of that run either. So I got lucky.

And a side note – never let siblings borrow books. My sister took the same AP Lit class and told my parents she could use my book with my notes written into it already (not true actually), so they made me give it to her to use for her summer reading project. (The joys of being the older sibling) She promptly “lost” my book within a week of her senior year starting. I could have killed her – figuratively – because I loved the book. Not to mention – it was a really nice cover design and I was looking forward to showcasing it on my bookshelves once I got my room all set up for my first year of college. Since she lost the book within a week of both of us starting school, that never happened.

Anyway – the book was a bit confusing at first. I didn’t actually do any research on the book’s plot before reading, so at first I really had no clue what was going on. After reading the first chapter and not getting it, I wiki’d the plot as well as went back to the Borders site and read the reviews and plot synopsis. I normally wouldn’t do that, but I had to have some grounding, so that’s how I went about it. And actually, the Wikipedia page is quite different now on the English-language version than when I first read it back in 2008. I like the plot synopsis on today’s version better. It’s shorter and doesn’t give stuff away as much. Just a little bit to give a grounding.

Siddhartha was fascinating to read. I’ll admit, I didn’t really like the book at first. Too much ambiguity. But I read it all, and actually, once I’d thought on it more, I really liked it. It also helped that I read Heart of Darkness for fun and decided that of the two books I definitely preferred Hesse’s novel over Conrad’s. Beyond that though, when I reread it, it made far more sense. See, at first I had tried to separate out the individual episodes described. Meaning, I tried to take Siddhartha’s time as a trader as one totally different event, completely cut off from his time with the ascetics. They were, in my original reading, isolated incidents, completely separate and totally incongruous with each other. The second time I read it, I tried to see it as a path. The events were separated by time, but they were all on one long path. It made far more sense reading it that way. Originally I’d thought all that Siddhartha did was just distraction on his journey to finding enlightenment. Not so true. Sure, it seems like distractions and false trails, but I think Hesse meant for the experiences as a whole to be how one finds enlightenment. That was what our little trio decided at the end of our discussions at least.

It turned out though, all three of us had originally read the book as disjointed episodes, completely separate from each other. Our teacher was actually impressed that all three of us had figured out to try and read it as a path and not separate events, all without her having to tell us that on the first day of class. Normally I guess most students ended up being very confused until someone mentioned that, and she would explain that looking at the book not as separate events, but all part of a stream, was perhaps the better way to see it. So our little group actually had a bit of a head start on the discussion.

I think what I liked best about Siddhartha though was how it was unique. I’d never read anything like it, not that I can remember. It’s not exactly Shakespeare in terms of language. It’s far simpler and I think sometimes more powerful. Sometimes I suppose that can be a bit off-putting, that it is so simple and sometimes blunt in terms of language. But it worked here, and so I think it was a far more powerful telling than if Hesse had gone for a flowery, verbose and extremely ornate telling. It worked more, to use the strong and simple language, because it was not through some elaborate ritual or designed event that enlightenment was discovered. To me it seemed more that it was through simple life experiences.

But – Hesse wrote Siddhartha in German. Of course, this being high school, I read it in English. I had completely forgotten the little fact that it was a German novel until it was suggested to me again. Then I thought – I’m in Germany. I can actually read German up to a college academic level, even if sometimes I have some trouble understanding certain concepts. I’m going to buy a copy of it while I’m here, so I can read it in the original language. I’m a big believer of reading things, if possible, in the original language. Since I can read German, and I’m pretty good at it, why shouldn’t I read it in the original language? Because no matter what, something is always lost in translation. I’m sure to learn even more reading it as Hesse wrote it than I learned from a very good and very accurate translation.

And that’s the goal. I have every intention of stopping by my local Walthari and picking up Siddhartha so I can read it in German.

Meditation

I’m thinking that it’s about time I try a new method. See, I’m feeling a bit lost. That’s why I haven’t posted a whole lot. I’ve also been busy with school. But I kind of feel like I’m at a stand still. So I’m going to attempt a new way of connecting. I used to hate meditation. It (I mean just the thought) was enough to drive me crazy. Just sitting there, doing nothing….wasting time. I know that isn’t what it is, but that’s how I’d seen it for the longest time. Not to mention the fact that I don’t do silence. I can, I enjoy silence even. But if I want to do something, to concentrate on something, I need something to focus on.

Everyone I know who meditates does it in complete silence. So I’d always thought that was how it had to be done. Definitely no way I could just sit and focus in total silence. I just thought the idea would never work. But…of course, meditation isn’t really just sitting there. And it’s about doing what works for me personally. That brings me to my idea. I’m going to try meditating a bit soon, probably this upcoming week. Just pop in some of my opera and classical music, focus, and see what I can’t do. After all, beyond the spiritual benefit, meditation might just be healthy for me in normal, mundane life as well.

But I’m taking this up because I’m noticing a pattern. I keep seeing foxes everywhere. Not just in nature, mostly not in nature (I do live in the middle of a city), but in other things. In books, online, on my Facebook, etc. I’m pretty sure that if it keeps popping up, it’s something I ought to take notice of. Fine enough, I can do that. But since all my normal methods of dealing with these kinds of things are proving ineffective, I think it’s time I try something new. So this is both a new trial to see what I can learn…and also a way to see what exactly I’m supposed to do about these foxes. I don’t think it’s any deity, at least not a specific fox-related one. The only fox-related deity I’m aware of is Inari, and I know that is not the source of this. So I’m sure it’s either totally symbolic as a fox-shape, or perhaps there’s some other meaning. In any case – I’m going to keep searching to see what I can’t learn about this.

Respect: What it Means

So there’s something I’ve noted recently. I’m a bit steamed as I write this, so please pardon any upset that I have. And I have a sneaking suspicion this will turn into quite the monster of a ranted post, so I apologize in advance.

This is something that means a lot to me for several reasons. I think it best to start with the situation that’s arisen and why I’m even writing this semi-ranting entry to begin with. I’m going to be blunt, and so I do expect I might rub some people the wrong way. But in a situation like this, with a situation like this, I think being blunt and honest is more important than writing eloquently to avoid upsetting anyone.

I’m part of several different pagan forums, Facebook groups, and I follow blogs, tumblrs and visit websites quite frequently. I’m not always the most active poster in a group, I tend to lurk more than I talk. I like to see/hear others arguments and learn how people think. Not to mention – I’m always the type to think long and hard before I post up anything personal. I think it’s a long-held belief on my part that I’m going to say something wrong if it isn’t well thought out and intentioned. Well, count this post as another in today’s trend of me posting my thoughts without my usual drawn-out thought process.

See, today I’ve noted on several of the sites I follow/visit a disturbing trend:

Disrespect.

Losing a Bit and Gaining More

So this is really not ‘pagan’ related. Not a lot. But it’s still important for me. And I figure…it’s made me happy, so that tends to make me more interested in research, learning, and practicing. Therefore, in some weird, roundabout way, it actually is important to this whole topic in general. Well, interesting enough I suppose. But at least I can always fall back on that it’s my own personal blog and therefore I’m allowed to write whatever I want.

And that leads to the actual topic. Which needs some explanation, so here it is.

I’ve had a bit of issues with my health since I graduated high school. I gained a lot of weight between January 2009 and September 2011. Mostly due to stress, lack of exercise, generally just not eating quite as healthy as I possibly could. I should weigh around 135-140 given my height, body type and just general health standards. By September 2011 I was at 185 or so, so overweight. Not healthy and it was definitely not exactly a self-esteem booster either. I really dislike exercise, part of my problem, and I just was so stressed out that even if I’d tried exercising I doubt it would have done me too much good. So in 2.5 years I put on too much weight and so when I got to Germany I was definitely not healthy. The extra weight did not really help with self-esteem or in any energy to learn about myself, my practices, or my path.

I always intended to start working out and try to get back into shape, but I was not planning on trying any of that until I got back from Germany this August. I figured that I’d be far too busy studying and trying to pass classes in German to put the effort into a solid exercise regimen that would do me any good. So I didn’t really attempt to do anything. Well, I guess I’d never put thought into a few crucial details.

• At home I live 20 miles from my campus, so I drive. Here in Germany I walk a lot to get around.
• Fruits/veggies at home have pesticides/herbicides. Here they don’t have them, and I don’t have to pay extra for it.
• At home I eat junk food occasionally. Here – I haven’t found (haven’t really looked either) my favorite junk foods, so I don’t eat them.

See, I don’t have to pay for “organic” food here. It’s not extra cost/extremely expensive like it is at home. I can go to the store and get pesticide/herbicide free fruits and vegetables for normal cost, no problem. And shopping at the Münstermarkt isn’t exorbitantly expensive like “local farmer’s markets” can be back home. They aren’t all really expensive, but they can be. Shopping for food here is easy. It’s cheap, good, not sprayed to death with chemicals…and I can enjoy trying new things that I don’t have to constantly worry about being scrubbed clean of chemicals first. It’s healthier to eat things without the chemicals. Yes, they don’t last as long and you have to shop more often, but that’s actually not a bad thing at all. I can try all sorts of new things each week, because I don’t have to buy in American “bulk” sizes, which sometimes is all they sell at home. And as for junk food – I just don’t really eat it. I buy the occasional bag of pretzels or cookies, but 99% of the time I just have quit eating all junk food. Oh, and the occasional chocolate – but that’s just fine.

The walking/exercising. I live 10 minutes from the nearest Strassenbahn stop. So I have to do walking anyway. And the stop I get off at is about 5 minutes or so from my program’s building and the university center. So no matter what, I’m getting at least 30 minutes of walking a day, and that doesn’t include my wandering Freiburg and checking out things around me. Plus – I live right off the Dreisam, so I can go jogging/biking/walking along that as well. It’s actually quite nice here and exercise by walking and enjoying the warm weather is wonderful. Even winter wasn’t too bad. Not too much snow, cold yes, but not so bad that I couldn’t go out and about.

So suffice it that I started losing weight without meaning to. From say September to beginning of February I lost quite a bit of weight. I haven’t been on a scale, so I can’t say “specifically” how much weight I’ve lost, but I know a pretty good number. See, I brought one pair of jeans with me that I bought at the beginning of my senior year of high school, when I hadn’t gained all the weight. I don’t know why I brought them, since they didn’t fit me, but for some reason I did. They’re slightly too large on me now, so I know I’ve lost at least 45 pounds, probably putting me back at around 135-140ish. So I’m actually within healthy weight again, and I’m also a bit more fit than I used to be. I’m working on diversifying my exercising, since I’m actually motivated to do change right now. But for now, I’ve lost the weight and I’m managing to keep it off too, which is wonderful. I’m healthy again and actually doing pretty well. I feel better about myself and I look better too. The only downside is that all of my clothing is too big now, so I have to go shopping soon for clothing that actually fits me, but that’s not too bad in the scheme of things.

Tiny problem comes from the fact that now I’m having to eat more food. Not junk food. Just more food in general, because I’m at a point where losing too much more weight would be unhealthy. So I’ve upped my food intake and I get to eat more delicious foods. I’m also looking into traditional Baden-recipes and German recipes in general. I’ll have to modify them, since I’m vegetarian, but I’m having fun in looking. Plus – since I love cooking, I might as well have some fun with it. I thought about trying to work some witchcraft into the cooking, but since I live with 14 Mitbewohner that isn’t really advisable or quite feasible. I can however enjoy cooking and just accept that the more I cook and learn while I’m living here, the more experience I have when I get my own place back home and I’ll be a bit more comfortable with trying witchcraft in my kitchen (bonus – without worrying about setting anything on fire).

Now, since I feel better about myself and I’m happier…I have more energy. I’m more motivated to learn and research. I’m far more interested and I’m a lot more in tune with me. Being able to enjoy myself makes for a lighter-mood and that makes me more interested in learning. I’ve got a lot to do really, and I’m actually glad. See, I have the actual will to learn and research for the first time in almost 3 years, which is wonderful. So I’m hitting that more now, and I’m looking into books, websites, academic articles…whatever I can find about my chosen interests.

Having energy and motivation again is wonderful. I’m not used to it, but I like it. So over 5 months I lost 40-45 pounds and gained a whole lot of confidence. Always a good thing. And really, it’s the new confidence that gave me the courage to start blogging and working on my path again. Because even 6 months ago I would not have had the courage to put my thoughts out here and write about it. I wouldn’t have written anything at all, honestly. But since I feel better about myself, I’m happier and I’m looking forward to writing more and learning more, with a new perspective on me.